The Surrogate Dad

© Peter Mace

Winner, 2009 ‘Poets by the Sea’ – Humorous Section, Harrington NSW.

John and Betty Carpenter had been wed these fifteen years,
The marriage was a happy one, but one thing brought them tears.
For though they had tried everything till they were quite depressed,
Heirs they hadn’t any, with children they weren’t blessed.

They new just where the trouble lay, poor John was firing blanks,
And though they’d tried the IVF and various donor banks.
Conception was impossible, parenthood a distant dream,
Till Betty raised the courage, to suggest another scheme.

She had read this sealed story in a woman’s magazine,
Of a way around their problem and she was really keen.
She needed to be tactful, so as not to make John mad.
For the article revealed how, to find a surrogate Dad.

Yes someone else to do the job, just like a one night stand,
There’s certain regulations; you could sort of choose your brand.
Nationality and height, maybe colour of the hair,
So she put it to her husband, as she prayed a silent prayer.

“Well we have tried the bloody rest, so let’s give this a go,
You make the arrangements, I will try and find the dough”
It took a week of phone calls, but at last the date was set,
Betty nervous of this sleeping with a bloke she’d never met.

Your man would come round Saturday, some time after two,
The house was clean and tidy and the tea was on the brew.
Unfortunately, our suntanned stud was running rather late,
When a door to door photographer, arrived at Betty’s gate.

“Come in I’ve been expecting you.” “You have” the man replied,
He’d been banging doors for weeks, never making it inside.
I specialize in babies, he said with a cheeky grin.
“Ah yes”, she said we understand, so where do we begin.

Well I normally start on the bed, then a few times in the bath,
And as it’s really nice outside one on the garden path.
Lounge room floors are popular, you can really stretch out there.
One lady just insisted that I do it on the stair.

I cannot always guarantee a good one every time,
But if try from every angle the results will be sublime.
I hope you’ve nothing on, for this could  take a little while.
“Time is not a problem” Betty answered with a smile.

That’s good, because I strive to get a product that is cute,
Most people think that all you have to do is point and shoot.
But the position must be right, or we will need to start again.
Erotic thoughts were starting to swell up in Betty’s brain.

I was really hoping Betty said, we could do it in the dark,
No, then I couldn’t focus, how about the Council park.
“What, out there in the open as we do the deed”.
No, flashing disturbs the locals, your man finally agreed.

Betty stood there horrified as he reached into his case,
And set down a dozen photographs all carefully in place.
“These first two are the twins, really scored well there,
Charged a little more for them because she had the pair”

“That next one was a problem with a dosey teenage mum,
Every time I lined her up, she’d start to suck her thumb.
And when I’d pull it out, well then she went and cried,
Must have spent two hours getting mother satisfied”

“Well now we should get on with it ,if you think the time is right,
I’ll go and get my tripod if you can dim the light”
A tripod, exclaimed Betty, what’s that needed for,
“To hold my Cannon steady it needs to be secure”

“It’s too big to hang on to, and then aim it with my hand,
So I put it on the tripod and use that as a stand”
Betty fainted on the spot and slumped upon the floor.
The photographer just panicked and bolted out the door.

When Betty told her husband about that dreadful day,
John consoled his wife and muttered, darling it’s OK.
He went and got some flowers, gave his spouse a pat,
Forgot about a family and bought the wife a cat.

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