(in the style of CJ Dennis)

© Zondrae King

Winner, 2009 ‘Oracles of the Bush’ – Humorous Section, Tenterfield NSW.

They dragged me t tha city. Told me “otherwise you’ll die
a slow and painful death” they sez. “Well save me then.” sez I.
See it’s me art wot’s playin up n givin me the stick.
They put me in the ospital, to fix it up real quick.
It’s globs o fat wot’s bunchin up and cloggin all me veins.
They fix it with a wire, just like cleanin out ya drains.

The Doc comes in. Well strike me pink, e looks just 12 year old,
an nursie says “Now you lie back and do wot you are told”.
This Doctor kid’s Chinese I think or maybe e’s Malay.
I wish e wouldn’t grin at me and rub is ands that way
like e’s preparing dinner, or to carve the Sundee roast.
If I cud see a mirror I’d be whiter n a ghost.

At least e talks Austra’n good. I ear each word e sed.
“Don’t worry now.” e says to me and pats me on the ed.
The operatin room is next, the wardsman wheels me in.
There’s lights and screens and dials n Doc is gowned up to is chin.
They ooks me up to their machine and things start going ‘ping’.
It’s scary, like a UFO, and me ooked to the thing.

They ad me in this dressin gown wot opened down the rear
and paper undies, what a laugh, around me weddin gear.
Next thing I know e’s pokin’ in a tube right thru me vein
then squirtin in some magic dye n pulls it out again.
E points a finger at a screen n slowly rubs is chin.
Examines all the wiggley lines n sez, “We can begin.”

“Ah There’s the spot!” e tells the nurse o wears a gown and mask.
But wot e tries to show er I don’t ave tha nerve to ask.
“Aah, some sedation here I think” e says to er. Well gee,
if e needs some sedation, I ask, wot about poor me?
“A stent ill do the trick” e sez. Well what’s a flamin’ stent?
It helps tha blood flow to yer art. It’s like a wire tent.

A wire tent stuck in me veins. “Well strike me roan,” sez me.
“Oh don’t you worry now.” E sez n pats me on tha knee.
They place the stent n press it out and I don’t feel the best.
It’s like a flamin elephant is standin on me chest.
They use a scale from one t ten t elp describe tha pain.
Well blow their numbers. I doh wanna feel that crook again.

They tell me this ere doctor kid wots lookin after me
is ed Prafessa of the eart at Uni-vers-atee.
This stent e put inside me is like some macramé thing
except that it is made of special wire ‘stead a string.
E knows is job and es the best so I need ave no fears
cause after e is done I’ll last another 20 years.

I’m feelin much more like meself n back in me own digs.
I’m glad I didn’t need them valves they’re transplantin from pigs.
Instructions are: I exercise to elp improve me mood,
at least a alf an our a day, n av ta watch me food.
Rememberin ta take me pills’ll be an up ill battle.
But if it happens I should fall – well strike me pink, I’ll rattle.

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