“STRAINED RELATIONS” ©’99 Big Al Palmer
My brain is all scrambled, my head’s had enough,
she’s yappin’ and naggin’ ‘bout some flamin’ stuff,
relationships, yeah, that’s what she’s on about,
I’m locked in the bedroom, she won’t let me out.
She says I’m insensitive,...”bullshit!” I said,
don’t I let her cook brekky, and sleep in my bed?
She says I don’t listen,..."eh? what’s that you say,
can you turn up the telly, move out of the way?"
She reckons she’s housebound, I don’t take her out,
don’t I let her come fishing and watch me catch trout?
Those anti-depressants she reckons they’re grouse,
tell me, what’s so depressing with me in the house?
Now she wants a toy-boy… try Captain James Kirk,
he’s never at home, and he don’t go to work!
She wants some romancing, well turn it up chum,
it was only last week she got pinched on the...bottom.
Gawd strewth, now she’s crying, I’ve done it again,
oh, why can’t these sheilas be more like us men?
If someone insults us we just knock ‘em out,
get stuck into Bundy, and Fourex, and stout.
I offered her roses but still I am cursed,
she told me to shove ‘em… the thorny end first!
She said she was leaving by taxi today,
and really got mad when I offered to pay.
Our counsellor says love grows fonder apart,
(at least when I sleep in my bed I could far...get all my
troubles.)
We both need a break from the heartache and tears,
a short one will do...about forty five years.
It’s all got to change so I’m taking control,
we’ll see who’s the boss, (when I get off the dole.)
I’m a hunter, a warrior, coolest of cools,
when I come home tonight I’ll be changing the rules.
She opens the door and I look in her eyes,
my heart turns to mush, my conviction it dies,
my legs go to rubber, I take off my hat,
she’s so sweet when she says, "wipe your feet on the mat!"
So I take out the rubbish and hose out the bin,
and I pick up my clothes off the floor with a grin,
I ask myself what all this fighting’s about,
and why I come back every time I’ve cleared out.
When it’s all said and done, at the end of the day,
a bloke is a hero to her, in his way,
I’m her lackey, her lover, her punching bag too,
but I’m all out of answers mate, how about you?
... thorny end first ?????? .. 
