Strewth! That's Modern Art?

[David Campbell]

In the thread about Roger Vickery's free verse poem concerning the competition at Gulgong, Ross asks who decides what is art, poetry or music. Couldn't resist posting this old one of mine.

Strewth! That's Modern Art?

© David Campbell

Doreen, me luv, 'as 'opes fer me...she thinks I'm pretty smart...
an' figgers that I orter be a fan uv modern art.
She takes me to a Gall-er-y...it's reely quite a scene...
there's pichers ev'rywhere, yer see, wiv sculpchers in between.

Doreen goes off ter get some tea an' sez: "Okay, you start,
but don't touch nuthin' if yer see a sign...becos that's art!"
There's people standin' all aroun' gawpin' an' a'starin'...
a lady sez: "Oh how profound, my dear...so...so daring!"

I 'as a look an' sez: "Eh what? That picher's jus' plain black!
Is that the only shade 'e's got or maybe 'e's jus' slack?"
She looks at me an' cocks 'er snoot as if I done a fart,
then grabs holt uv this gormless coot an' sniffs: "That's modern art!"

That's modern art? Cor strike me blue! (Or maybe strike me black?)
If that's all that yer gotta do then somethin's outta whack!
I shrugs me shoulders an' moves on an' finds a pile uv bricks.
"Ker-umbs," I thinks, "is this a con?" The sign sez 'Crucifix'!

I looks an' looks...it ain't no good...they must be playin' tricks!
'Cos it don't matter where yer stood...it's still a pile uv bricks!
The nex' one is a metal thing, all nuts an' bolts an' wire,
wiv lots uv coloured bits uv string...it's called 'St Elmo's Fire'.

An' then a paintin' uv a chair drippin' purple jelly.
The lady sez: "My dear...what flair! So...so...Botticelli!"
She turns an' 'as a sniff at me..."G'day!" I sez. "Nice jelly!"
Then Gormless grabs 'er an' they flee as if I was Ned Kelly!

Gorstrooth! This modern art's a swizz, it's jus' a pile uv junk!
Ter figger out wot these things is yer'd 'ave ter be 'arf drunk!
There's bits an' bobs an' loads uv tat, an' rubbish from the tip...
Ter think that folks'll pay fer that, it fair gives me the pip!

I 'as a think an' looks aroun' an' spots an empty chair...
I quickly turns it upside down while no one is aware.
I pinches one uv them there bricks ter balance on the top,
an' then I 'unts aroun' an' nicks a grotty cleaner's mop.

I leans the mop against the chair an' makes a little sign
Wot sez: 'A Portrait of Despair-nine dollars ninety nine'.
Doreen comes back as I admire me bit uv modern art...
"Now look," she sez, "don't that inspire some feelin's in yer 'eart?"

I knows it's time fer sayin' nowt so buttons up me lips,
as we goes wand'rin all about while Doreen gives me tips.
Then finally it's time ter go...I breathes a sigh uv thanks...
I've 'ad enough uv this 'ere show an' all them arty cranks.

But as we goes I 'as a squiz ter check me mop an' chair...
it's doin' quite a bit uv biz ter judge by them wot's there.
But odder still...cor luv a duck! 'Oo'd'a flamin' thort it?
The thing's bin sold an'...jus' my luck...Gormless went an' bought it!

[r.magnay]

Very good David, except it rhymes!...

[Vic Jefferies]

Brilliant David!

Doreen goes off ter get some tea an' sez: "Okay, you start,
but don't touch nuthin' if yer see a sign...becos that's art!"
There's people standin' all aroun' gawpin' an' a'starin'...
a lady sez: "Oh how profound, my dear...so...so daring!"

I 'as a look an' sez: "Eh what? That picher's jus' plain black!
Is that the only shade 'e's got or maybe 'e's jus' slack?"
She looks at me an' cocks 'er snoot as if I done a fart,
then grabs holt uv this gormless coot an' sniffs: "That's modern art

You must have been at the National Gallery when I was there because at that time they really did have a painting on the wall that was simply a canvas painted completely black! The attendant saw me staring at it and told me that there was a completely white canvas in the storeroom!
There was also a piece which consisted of empty sardine cans nailed to an old fence paling on the wall and a three legged stool in the corner of a room. Great stuff indeed!

[Neville Briggs]

That's a good one David.

The only thing is, what you have depicted are not examples of modern art, but examples of post-modernism, a different mood and purpose.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Love it David- what a great poem - good fun

[Glenny Palmer]

Cor blimey David wot a perla! (....but Neville's snuck in 'ere too wiv 'is post modernism machine gun....oooh not again..... )

[Neville Briggs]

Sorry Glenny. post-modernism is a most pervasive influence in contemporary culture,
I am assuming that since we are poets and hence some sort of social commentators, we would do well to recognise what we are facing out there.

[David Campbell]

Thanks everyone! When it comes to any sort of art-form I guess we like what we like...the hard part can be explaining why. It's a gut-reaction thing. My wife is very much into classical music whereas I never got past Neil Diamond. So it goes.

Cheers
David

[Glenny Palmer]

Now now Neville don't go getting precious on me darlin'....I wuz only joshing....

[Neville Briggs]

Oh Glenny, I'm not being precious dear lady . There's a monster out there, and it wants to devour our minds and reason, I have the urge to sound the warning.