Packing crates and palings (Version 2)

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Neville Briggs
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Re: Packing crates and palings (Version 2)

Post by Neville Briggs » Fri Oct 11, 2013 2:37 pm

I think it is a good idea to try a brief poem, There is a short form which you could try for this theme, the triolet.The triolet is 8 lines and the rhyme is
A
B
a
A
b
A
B.

The A & B are repeated, usually exactly but not necessarily. So to do it for yours you could start like this.

Packing crates and palings mark the place of their demise.
row on row across the tortured soil.
.....................................( line to rhyme with ise )
Packing crates and palings mark the place of their demise,
........................................( line to rhyme with ise )
.........................................( line to rhyme with soil )
Packing crates and palings mark the place of their demise,
row on row across the tortured soil.

By coming back to the repeats it makes it more complete. I think. And of course the lines to be put in should make some sort of continuation of the sense, not just disconnected to the other lines, so to do that you may need to alter the repeats slightly.

You may wish to ignore my suggestion. :) As you wish.
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.

manfredvijars

Re: Packing crates and palings (Version 2)

Post by manfredvijars » Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:52 pm

Never "rising to see the morning skies"
is a far more poignant ending than ...
"... not facing the toil"

IMHO ... :)
(Sorry Sue :D )

M.

Neville Briggs
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Re: Packing crates and palings (Version 2)

Post by Neville Briggs » Mon Oct 14, 2013 2:26 pm

OK ;)
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.

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Bob Pacey
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Re: Packing crates and palings (Version 2)

Post by Bob Pacey » Mon Oct 14, 2013 2:36 pm

I have written some poetry that I would call a Toilet ! Nev


;) ;) ;) ;)


Bob

Yep I like this version as well Marty would be nice in a frame imprinted over the picture.
The purpose in life is to have fun.
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!

Neville Briggs
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Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:08 pm
Location: Here

Re: Packing crates and palings (Version 2)

Post by Neville Briggs » Mon Oct 14, 2013 5:32 pm

Very nice Bob. You must be flushed with pride. :roll:
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.

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Bob Pacey
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Re: Packing crates and palings (Version 2)

Post by Bob Pacey » Mon Oct 14, 2013 7:14 pm

Very Drained really Nev ! Touche



Bob
The purpose in life is to have fun.
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!

Neville Briggs
Posts: 6946
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:08 pm
Location: Here

Re: Packing crates and palings (Version 2)

Post by Neville Briggs » Tue Oct 15, 2013 3:10 pm

Perhaps it is suitable as lyrics for music by a chamber orchestra. :roll: :roll:
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.

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