Lunch Time

[Bob Pacey]

Dave I think you are to modest, Bit of a dark horse i reckon.


Bob

[Glenny Palmer]

Dave it's almost (CR). You've done well.

'had some pages in a bunch'....try 'with pages etc'

'His face went red he screwed his nose and put some x’s in a row' (delete blue.)

'He’s trying to have some brilliant words just come to him on cue' ....('He wants to have....)

'And brought with her a dictionary, then whispered don’t be rude.' (stating, ''don't be rude'')

'But wouldn’t you be better off spinning yarns about the scrub' (...to yarn about the scrub.)

Use your own words....but note where my suggestions MAINTAIN the meter. Good luck mate.
Cheeers
Glenny

[Dave Smith]

Thanks Glenny, I'm off now to work on it.

Ok lets see panadol, coffee,a quite place hmm mumble mumble

TTFN

[Rimeriter]

Mate, as I said earlier, bloody beaut.

Rhyme scheme is good, meter is good and the story, particularly with some fun in it is marvellous.

It is well known that most humans love a good chuckle.
An article I read recently advises writers, be they bloggers, novelists or even we poor poets, to include humour in our writings.
It is thought to create greater appeal.

What is 'bush verse' if it's not a bit bushie?

Mate, you've done it all.
More. More. I want more.
Jim.

[croc]

...
Geezus.
...c

[Dave Smith]

Well Said Croc.

[croc]

Thanks old mate...
...c

[Dave Smith]

Edit completed

[Maureen K Clifford]

Her indoors came out just then, with a laden tray of food

would perhaps be better as

Her indoors came out just then, with tray laden with food or a tray full of food

just flows better but other than that Dave I reckon it's spot on.

Cheers

Maureen

[Glenny Palmer]

Nearly there Dave.....

I suggest that you call 'her indoors' as 'Her Indoors' the same as you would 'Jack Smith'. It is a name label, albeit...ummm.. so it makes it clearer to the reader...especially one who is more prone to calling his nearest & dearest 'Beloved' (?)

"Her indoors came out just then, with a laden tray of food"
Your problem here is that the 'a'...laden....upends the meter by inserting one extra weak (unstressed) syllable into the line. I'd suggest:
"Her Indoors came out just then with plates and bowls of food.'' Something like that.

One other very important thing is to always write as you would normally speak! eg. In conversation you would never say....
"If he could find just one beaut word that into place would drop"...
you would say: " If he could find just one beaut word that would drop into place." That of course is not in meter & it is your job to meter it, so that it sounds like normal speak. Try to avoid inverting your lines, which is what you have done here.

Hope this helps, for this & for future works.
Cheeers
Glenny