ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Posted this back in 2011 as an audio have made a couple of changes as a performance poem.
I consider myself normal just a plain old Aussie bloke
I don't mind a beer on a hot day and I've been know to have a smoke.
Now I'm not the smartest fella yeah I've got no great claim to fame
though I reckon I can hold my own on any subject you might name.

But when it comes to damm computers, I really find it hard you know
to keep up with the bloody young one's yeah fair dinkum mate, I'm slow.
All the words they use confuse me its not like I learnt when I was young
cause they all take on new meanings and get twisted on my tongue.

So I brought this dammed computer , cost me heaps of dough I'm telling you
and then I got my oldest grandson to show me what to do.
He said Grandad now you just sit down here and start to move the mouse
I said the only mouse I knew about used to scurry round our house.

No granddad use this thing to move around the screen from A to B
and click onto that Icon to bring things up where you can see.
He said that little point is called a cursor well I cursed the thing all right
I've been sat here starring at this screen for half the flaming night.

Then he said that I had all this Ram but I couldn't see no bloody sheep
so he said just click on start then exit and you'll put the screen to sleep.
I'll put the flaming thing to sleep all right why does it always make that beeping sound
He said you can delete the noise in options Pa here I'll try to guide you round.

First go into My Computer find the System Icon and click stop
See all the beeping noise is gone now just hit return back to the top.
Hey if this is called a floppy disc why is the thing so hard
and what's a bloody Pixel and a Multi Media Card ?

Then there's ports and roms and Icons gees I feel like such a fool
Wally Lewis was an Icon when I went to bloody school.
I only brought it to write poetry but I'm yet to pen a flaming thing
cause I can't get out of Windows without loosing everything.

Oh Pa just click on to save or save as and then put your file name in
oh shit! where did that go to it says sent to Recycle Bin?
I will admit I'm getting better but now the printer light is flashing grey
It says to put more paper in but there's plenty in the tray.

There was an error writing LPT1 to printer station Two One O
I'll bloody pull the plug and chuck it that will make the dammed thing go.
Well I tried to minimise the type font hey now that sounds pretty smart
but now I can't get the screen back up again and I just don't know where to start.

It's all so con "bloody" fusing, there's errors flashing on the screen
embedded objects held in headers what's that supposed to flaming mean?
Now the whole systems going slower, "You must defrag your hard disc drive"
Just click on help and follow instruction details number five.

Now I'm not a man that's prone to swearing but this machines the bloody pits
if it says "illegal function" one more time, I'll really crack the shits.
It says if you scan the disc and clear the errors the system then will start to fly
but there's no disc in the little slit its enough to make you cry.

The spell check functions supposed to be in English or that's what the index listings say
but words like bugger, damm and Aussie don't appear there anyway.
Hey hang on I just printed something but how to save it I forget.
but its all centred up and legible there's hope for this old fella yet.

I'm still to master Dialogues and Explorers too confusing mate
but I can still use it as a type writer and print what I create.
Oh yes technology is with us things will never be the same
its either join the race or flounder, so I'll have to play their silly game.

I suppose I will get better as my skills I start to hone
Now let me tell all you nice folk
about my new mobile phone.

Bob Pacey (c)

You're one up on me Bob I refuse to get one of those phones - and even my tablet has fallen out of favour.