The down to earth language of the day is the best thing about it. I think in the bush poets that we should take note to go for that free wheeling sort of speech, put a line through all those words that are " metre fillers "
Although I think to maintain the impact of such energetic speech it is important to try wherever possible to have sentences of subject-verb-object in that order.
e.g. the last line of stanza 1 separates the syntax and leaves the verb dangling a bit.
A bit of tweeking here and there it would look good.
Otherwise I think it is great. You'll be into the free verse poetry slam before you know it Marty.
