ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Hey everyone (who isn't away at Tamworth). I need advice again. A lady asked me to write a poem to go with her painting of a horse and its eye seemed to really draw my attention. Do you think the extra repetitive words at the end are too monotonous, or does it enhance the "senses" theme?



I’m Looking Through My Pony’s Eyes
by Kym Eitel

Upon my palomino, I am riding. Riding.
Across the grassy paddock, we are gliding. Riding.
On wings, we’re flying, fluid motion,
rocking boat upon the ocean.
On winging hooves, escape to freedom. Riding.

I hear a willy wagtail chirping. Listen. Listen.
So clear and sweet, each song note seems to glisten. Listen.
Hooves are crunching, dogs are baying,
children laughing, horses neighing.
My leather saddle’s softly creaking. Listen.

I smell the trees and flowers as I’m breathing. Breathing.
The bitumen is hot, I smell it seething. Breathing.
Smell yellow sunshine in the air,
smell musky scent of horses’ hair.
I hear the horses sniffing, snorting, breathing.

My horse’s coat feels smooth and warm. I’m touching. Touching.
The firm but supple leather reins I’m clutching. Touching.
A sunny breeze is burning, prickling,
hairs across my face are tickling.
I bump another rider’s leg, we’re touching.

I’m happy, lucky, proud - that’s how I’m feeling. Feeling.
With joy my heart is bursting, soaring, reeling. Feeling.
My senses tingle through my fingers,
magic fills my heart and lingers.
Kaleidoscope of energy I’m feeling.

I feel the pony’s neck move as she’s looking. Looking.
The hills are green, the sky is blue. I’m looking. Looking.
I see them but I cannot see,
and so my pony looks for me.
I’m looking through my pony’s eyes. I’m looking.
Soft melody of hoof beats sounding.
I feel alive, my heart is pounding.
I’m looking through my pony’s eyes. I’m looking.



See ya's ... I'm off to write another one about a horse in the war based on a true story, "Taffy's Waiting"..

Kym.

kym third line in third paragraph something does not gel as it does not fit in picture it paints

bill the old battler

Hmmm, I'll think about that Bill. Haven't you noticed that you can smell sunshine? It's fresh, clean, warm. Perhaps you haven't been stuck inside an office long enough to smell the difference when you go outside?

Thanks though, I'll think of something else to put there.

Kym.

Hi Kym3

It works for me OK but just my two bobs worth - I think the rhyming couplet on each 2nd line is a bit much IMO it detracts from it...but that is only my thought. The repetition of the first line is strong - really like that.

The last verse - not sure - don't really like it to be honest - could perhaps try





I feel the pony’s neck move as she’s walking. Walking.
The day is fresh and clear. Nobody's talking
The hills and sky my eyes don't see,
and so my pony looks for me.
I’m looking through my pony’s eyes. I’m looking.
Soft melody of hoof beats sounding.
I feel alive, my heart is pounding.
I’m looking through my pony’s eyes. I’m looking.

Use or abuse as you choose Just a thought - but I love the poem it is beaut and your friend I am sure will be wrapt with it

Cheers

Maureen

the air smells fresh and clean the air feels warm. No Kym, as an old bushman I can smell the rain, smoke and dust various scents of animals and the bush etc feel the wind the warmth of the sun beating on you but be B****D if I can smell the sun

sorry to be a nark

bill the old battler

Okey dokey, it's a work in progress, but it's getting there ...



I’m Looking Through My Pony’s Eyes

Upon my palomino, I am riding. Riding.
Across the grassy paddock, we are gliding.
On wings, we’re flying, fluid motion,
rocking boat upon the ocean.
On winging hooves, escape to freedom. Riding.

I hear a willy wagtail sing, so listen. Listen.
So clear and sweet, each song note seems to glisten.
Hooves are crunching, dogs are baying,
children laughing, horses neighing.
My leather saddle’s softly creaking. Listen.

I smell the trees and flowers as I’m breathing. Breathing.
The bitumen is hot, I smell it seething.
I smell the freshness of the air,
smell musky scent of horses’ hair.
I hear the horses sniffing, snorting, breathing.

My horse’s coat feels smooth and warm. I’m touching. Touching.
The firm but supple leather reins I’m clutching.
A sunny breeze is burning, prickling,
hairs across my face are tickling.
I bump another rider’s leg, we’re touching.

I’m happy, lucky, proud - that’s how I’m feeling. Feeling.
With joy my heart is bursting, soaring, reeling.
My senses tingle through my fingers,
magic fills my heart and lingers.
Kaleidoscope of energy I’m feeling.

I feel my pony moving as she’s walking. Walking
My friends are riding too, no need for talking.
The hills and sky, I cannot see,
and so my pony looks for me.
I’m looking through my pony’s eyes. I’m looking.
Soft melody of hoof beats sounding.
I feel alive, my heart is pounding.
I’m looking through my pony’s eyes. I’m looking.


It's getting better ...

Thanks Bill and Maureen for your suggestions.

A suggestion I would make Kym is that you might consider whether it is better to put the repeated words without capitals and separate them with a comma.
I don't see any need to change any of the words.
Sorrry Bill, but I like "smell the sunshine " Poetry is not about logic and scientific description. It's about passion. Anybody can smell the freshness of the air that's obvious , but only a passionate poet can smell the sunshine.
Repeats are a traditional method of rhythm in poetry, I think they are fine.

I like the poem, the mood and style suits the theme and the repeats give the sense of galloping I suppose. ( except that I am not a horsie person, but that doesn't count )

Good on you for having a go at something more poetic. I reckon it works.



Neville

Hi Kym If I can add a bit I don’t think you can have Hot, Seething, Musky scent and freshness of the air, but on a hot day you can smell the heat and sunshine, I like the original line.


The bitumen is hot, I smell it seething.
I smell the freshness of the air,
smell musky scent of horses’ hair.

Dave Smith.

Thanks Neville and Dave, yup, I will put my sunshine back in. I liked it better that way too.

I like the second version Kym. I would feel the sunshine, or soak up the sunshine. I would probably smell the "sweetness" of the air. Freshness is too obvious.

Heather