My Big White Bum
Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 4:53 am
As an exercise in hyperbole and exaggeration I wrote this for my weekly session with the local school kids.
MY BIG WHITE BUM
(c) M. Pattie 2011
It happens every year,
when monsoon storms appear;
our power went, sometime late at night.
In the darkness I was gropin’
just a feelin, searchin’ hopin’
that I’d not wake up the kids - and find a light.
But the kids awoke real scared,
and I wasn’t quite prepared,
cos the batteries in the torches were all flat.
Tryna find the cupboard handles
where I thought we kept some candles -
when Lily called out “Wow! What light is that!”
Well I wondered was I dreamin’
but the kids had all stopped screamin’
and my eyes adjusted . . . yep – there was a glow.
It was strange and quite flurescent,
and seemed rather omnipresent;
the giggling kids – they all seemed to know.
Now I wasn’t bein’ rude,
but I’d jumped up in the nude;
sleepin’ naked always was my rule of thumb.
And it never saw the light
so was illuminous and white,
as I staggered ‘round it glowed; my big white bum.
Just like a nine volt torch on charge,
but twenty times as large;
like a lava lamp it lit up all the gloom.
It was strange and somewhat scary,
‘cause it also was quite hairy;
as I walked around my bum lit up the room.
But not only a comfort light
for kids scared in the night;
so big and bright it’s seen from outer space.
By satellites and shooting stars,
it’s even seen on Mars
by little red men of the Martian race.
And so my bum so white and bare -
it was stuck up in the air;
not quite a comfy sleep that one would like.
Then just before the crack of dawn,
it lit up all the lawn,
and looked just the spot for Meg to park her bike.
Then my bum won a Nobel prize,
for its brightness and its size,
and then received a knighthood from the Queen.
The London cold sent it numb,
but she said “you are now Sir Bum”;
the whitest brightest knightest bum she’d seen.
MY BIG WHITE BUM
(c) M. Pattie 2011
It happens every year,
when monsoon storms appear;
our power went, sometime late at night.
In the darkness I was gropin’
just a feelin, searchin’ hopin’
that I’d not wake up the kids - and find a light.
But the kids awoke real scared,
and I wasn’t quite prepared,
cos the batteries in the torches were all flat.
Tryna find the cupboard handles
where I thought we kept some candles -
when Lily called out “Wow! What light is that!”
Well I wondered was I dreamin’
but the kids had all stopped screamin’
and my eyes adjusted . . . yep – there was a glow.
It was strange and quite flurescent,
and seemed rather omnipresent;
the giggling kids – they all seemed to know.
Now I wasn’t bein’ rude,
but I’d jumped up in the nude;
sleepin’ naked always was my rule of thumb.
And it never saw the light
so was illuminous and white,
as I staggered ‘round it glowed; my big white bum.
Just like a nine volt torch on charge,
but twenty times as large;
like a lava lamp it lit up all the gloom.
It was strange and somewhat scary,
‘cause it also was quite hairy;
as I walked around my bum lit up the room.
But not only a comfort light
for kids scared in the night;
so big and bright it’s seen from outer space.
By satellites and shooting stars,
it’s even seen on Mars
by little red men of the Martian race.
And so my bum so white and bare -
it was stuck up in the air;
not quite a comfy sleep that one would like.
Then just before the crack of dawn,
it lit up all the lawn,
and looked just the spot for Meg to park her bike.
Then my bum won a Nobel prize,
for its brightness and its size,
and then received a knighthood from the Queen.
The London cold sent it numb,
but she said “you are now Sir Bum”;
the whitest brightest knightest bum she’d seen.
