Far Horizons

In the interests in broadening our horizons, this section is devoted to verse which falls outside the parameters of rhyme and metre, such as blank verse and free verse. Registered users are welcome to post their original works here.
Terry
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Far Horizons

Post by Terry » Wed May 04, 2016 3:28 pm

That’s enough for awhile – I haven’t strayed too far of the old bush track as yet,
although I did manage to trample a few fences – feel free to comment I’ve got broad shoulders.


Far Horizons

I’ll always remember our old campsite,
way out at Eucalyptus.
Just you and I my love with a tent for a home
beneath the shady gimlets.
The breakaway rose like a giant citadel,
with breathtaking views that surround us.

The red soil plains were stretched out ahead
with the salt lakes in the distance.
And white quartz hill’s brought a of promise of gold
for those who cared to seek it.
Though beauty out there was enough anyway,
so the miles we tramped weren’t wasted.

Those years there with you
were the best that I’ve known.
So I’m dreaming to-day of a time that’s long gone,
though the memories will always stay with us.
For we found more than gold
as we trod the red soil,
in that land of far horizons.

*****
© T.E. Piggott

Neville Briggs
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Re: Far Horizons

Post by Neville Briggs » Wed May 04, 2016 4:26 pm

Great stuff Terry, I knew you could do it. Straight from the heart . Beautifully done. :) :)

Importantly, what do you think, does it do the job for you. ( you don't have to answer here ;) )
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.

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Shelley Hansen
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Re: Far Horizons

Post by Shelley Hansen » Wed May 04, 2016 4:37 pm

Hi Terry

It works for me because the lines are broken in logical sequences and there is still flow despite lack of rhyme.

I like it.

Cheers
Shelley
Shelley Hansen
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fer 'atin' never paid no dividends."
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mummsie
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Re: Far Horizons

Post by mummsie » Wed May 04, 2016 5:24 pm

I too like it Terry. It paints a lovely picture. Correct me if I'm wrong ( I often am), you appear to be recalling the past but the last line in the first part/verse "with breathtaking views that surround us" indicates the present.
You have ignited my interest in this form of poetry Terry

Well done
Sue
the door is always open, the kettles always on, my shoulders here to cry on, i'll not judge who's right or wrong.

Heather

Re: Far Horizons

Post by Heather » Wed May 04, 2016 7:19 pm

I've had a read of this and several other poems in this section (not all of them though) and to honest they don't feel like poems to me - except for the one written by Hully and David Campbell (of those I read).

Terry this to me is just like one of your bush stories - shortened, and broken up into short lines. I think it's really tough to write a free ranging poem. But don't feel bad. I read a Bruce Dawe poem the other night and thought the same about it! Which makes me ask, when does a piece of prose become a poem?

Terry
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Re: Far Horizons

Post by Terry » Wed May 04, 2016 8:13 pm

Thanks Everyone for your thoughtful comments

Neville, Sue (you are right), Shelly, Matt & Heather.

My own thoughts for what they're worth is that the poem would have been better as a rhyming poem;
in fact it reads a bit like a rhyming poem that's been converted to free verse but ends up in no mans land.
It's hard to change the mental picture of how we imagine poetry to be and I was aware of this while trying to write this poem.
Like others have mentioned, to really get a feel for this type of poetry you need to read a lot of good free verse - and that's not always easy, because like all types of poetry there's a lot ground to cover between the nuggets.

Cheers

Terry

Heather

Re: Far Horizons

Post by Heather » Wed May 04, 2016 9:35 pm

I suspect it's a bit like rhyming poetry Terry. Lots of reading, lots of practice and probably a few glasses of red.

I wrote one non rhyming poem once - I had another look at it today and it's crap (that's a technical term Neville) and I won't insult your senses with it.

Heather :)

Terry
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Re: Far Horizons

Post by Terry » Wed May 04, 2016 11:00 pm

Hi Heather

I've written plenty of rhyming ones like that as well.

I suppose one the hardest things about poetry is trying to judge what's a good poem and what's not, it's so subjective.
No one can speak for anyone else on their likes likes and dislikes; it really is a personal thing thank God. Otherwise we'd all be writing and reading the same thing, poetry judges prove this on a regular basis - you can bomb out in one comp and win the next with the same poem.

On the plus side it gives people like us a wide range of views to discus.
Be pretty boring if we agreed on everything, and with poetry there's little chance of that.

Cheers

Terry

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David Campbell
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Re: Far Horizons

Post by David Campbell » Thu May 05, 2016 10:37 am

G’day Terry

Good to see you trampling a few fences…you never know what’s on the other side! I’m with Heather and Matt, though, in saying that this doesn’t really work as it is. It does read more like chopped up prose. It’s hard to generalise about free verse as there are so many possibilities, but you might try resisting some of the natural instincts that come with traditional poetry.

Because of the fairly strict requirements of metre and rhyme we tend to overwrite, putting in all the normal detail of sentence structure (although that can get messed around when rhyme and metre are corrupted to fit a pattern). We’re so intent on telling a story that not much is left to the reader. With free verse, however, you can distil what you’re trying to say into fewer words. Try using the physical structure and imagery to convey a sense of place (for example) without so much grammatical detail. This creates a point of difference with normal prose (to partly answer Heather’s question). I hope you won’t mind me taking liberties with your first stanza (and a bit), but here’s one possible way of approaching the picture you’ve painted in a more concentrated fashion. (Note: Be careful with local terms. To me, a “gimlet” is a boring tool, and it’s also apparently a cocktail, while I initially thought that “breakaway rose” was a sort of large bush!)

Our old campsite at Eucalyptus,
my love,
just you and I, the tent
shaded by gimlets,
the breakaway a giant citadel
cradling the red soil plains.

This is a love poem based around a memory, so imagine you’re talking to your wife and only giving her a series of brief snapshots, the essential stimuli that will remind her of a place she knows well. I’ve tried to keep your main images, but note some of the detail left out. The tent is obviously a home, so there’s no need to state it. And rather than “breathtaking views”, which is travel brochure jargon, I’ve used the image of “cradling”. This is perhaps an odd word in the context, but that’s the point. It attracts attention, hopefully giving the idea of drawing the whole panorama together as an extended part of the lovers’ “home”, thus making the two of you, to some degree, part of the landscape and not merely spectators. “Embracing” might also have worked, but “cradling” seemed softer and has more of a nurturing aspect.

This version won’t be everyone’s cup of tea by any means, but ask ten poets for their approaches and you’ll get ten different responses! Anyway, it’s one direction to think about, and it might stimulate some discussion. Having a go at something like this is valuable for anyone who writes rhyming verse as it helps to make us think about how we put words together.

Cheers
David

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Maureen K Clifford
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Re: Far Horizons

Post by Maureen K Clifford » Thu May 05, 2016 12:56 pm

I had a fiddle as well Terry - hope you don't mind - I loved the romance. Came up with this

Far Horizons ... Teryy Piggott ©

Our old campsite,
way out at Eucalyptus
beneath the shady gimlets...
I'll always remember it

Breathtaking views,
red soil plains,
salt lakes,
white quartz hills
and gold.....
although we found more than gold
treading the red soil plains together .

Our home a humble tent...
those were the best years.
Just you and me my love....
So today I am dreaming
recalling those times with you
reliving the memories
and the beauty.

Those miles we tramped together
were not wasted.
We found something precious.
We found love,
way out at Eucalyptus.
Check out The Scribbly Bark Poets blog site here -
http://scribblybarkpoetry.blogspot.com.au/


I may not always succeed in making a difference, but I will go to my grave knowing I at least tried.

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