Jokes for Blokes.

[Rimeriter]

The Surgeon and the Motorcycle Mechanic.


A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....






"Try doing it with the engine running."

***

[Bob Pacey]

Getting Better Jim Getting Better.




Bob

[r.magnay]

....nup...heard it about 40 years ago!....and in my industry we do a lot of things without shutting the show down....but for a lot less money too!

[Rimeriter]

Try this one -


The Aldi Doctor...

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
***

[r.magnay]

....yep! even older!!!......

[r.magnay]

The sad thing about it Jim, the newer ones generally shouldn't be put up on here!

[Rimeriter]

AGREED.

[r.magnay]

OK her's your chance to have a go at me....Told to me by my Dad many, many years ago, but I have never heard it told by anyone else since.

Paddy goes to confession,


"Ah Paddy my boy, and what have you been up this week?"
"Well Father , I stole a dozen eggs on my way to church."
"Ah Paddy, and what did you do with eggs?"
"I hid them in the hedge at the back of the church Father."
" Ah well Paddy, never mind, a dozen hail Mary's should cover that alright."
When Paddy went to collect the eggs on his way home they were gone!

Two weeks later Paddy is back to confession,
"Ah Paddy my boy, what have you been up to this week?"
"Father I did a terrible thing, I committed adultery!"
"Good grief Paddy, and who was the woman?"
"No way Father, I told you where the eggs were!"

Well I thought it was funny....and clean enough to put on here!

[william williams]

Now Ross, I know your fathers name nick name was Paddy an by hell he was a wise man telling you the truth like that


bill the old battler

[r.magnay]

....no Bill, Dad never stole an egg in his life....