ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

my appologies no offence to your dad Ross just my stupid attempt at making a joke


bill the old battler

What were you doing Bill, cracking a bad yolk ?

now Neville I just hope there ain't any bad yolks in them easter eggs

and a voice boomed out from the heavens above MOSES come forth and the silly bugger slipped and come fifth

the old battler

Oh groan groan.

...no, no Bill, no offence taken, if you look closely you will see I tried to make a little joke in there as well...

It reminds me of a couple of my old mates having a go at each other, one said to the other, "I wish I was like you, big...di....well you know what....and lots of money." To which he replied, quite innocently.."I haven't got much money!"...


Think about it!

Some blokes have ALL the bloody luck.

I don't have much of either !!

BUT - the weather is a bit chilly today ??
Jim.

Now, have any of youse blokes 'ad any sales experience ?
If not, read on -

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237..64!!
What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well mate, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing...'

***

Well, this one'll get ya.
No one has yet said they can paint !!!!

SO -
Irish Painter.


A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.


Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
 over Ireland were coming to him in the town of
 Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.



One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
 stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.



This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
 bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no 
object;

in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.



Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait 
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.



In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer 
portrait, missus," he said

"The wife says it's okay.



"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I has to at least leave me 
socks on so I

has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

***

Fellas, possibly in this small spread you may read one that tickles your funnybones ?


Four Jokes for Blokes.

I was sitting watching the Match of the Day when the missus came into the lounge and says "Fancy one Babe?"

I said, "After the football love
"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"

I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
***


Americans Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip.
They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers.
Barman serves them and asks "You guys been on vacation yet?"

"We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."
Barman says " England 's great; the culture, history, the Queen."

Jeff replies "We don't go for that stuff, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the bloody car."


***
My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.

I said, 'I really dont want 2 answer that love, u know I've had a past & I don't want 2 upset u!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there and count them all –

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.
***

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".

I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".
***

...you are a thrill seeker Jim...never know who might read this....