ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Girls - in this modern world, this must be a BLOKE, SURELY.

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?" "They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing." "Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I "Don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ....."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ......"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
....."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't." "No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage?
Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

###

An' thats even older.

Don't tell me Jim is pinching your jokes Dave.


Robert

You could put that one in rhyme I reckon Bob

No Marty not up to my usual standard.


I do have a little bit of pride you know.


Bob

Hey, just enjoy it, someone has done the rhyming for us.


Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ........... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love!
I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves, so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....


NO, The duck didn't say THAT !



The duck DID say....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!
***

Keep 'em coming - I reckon they're funny. My Mum however is very po faced. Hope I don't lose my sense of humour at 87

Thanks Maureen.

Perhaps the boys will better understand this one !!


THE IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment...........................................

Father O'Malley then replied:

'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

****

This one is a little Irish Math Test.

A Irishman wants a job, but they won't hire him until he passes a little math test. 



Here is your first question the interviewer put to him.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." 

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. 







"What's this?" they ask.

"Have you ain't got no brain?

Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. 


"Fair enough," they say.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."



The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a 
smudge on each tree... "Ere you go." 









The interviewer scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"



"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99." 



The interviewer is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman,
so he says,
"All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."




The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little 
mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." 








The interviewer looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"


The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. 


So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

###

Good onya Jim no longer will Dave and I have to wear the old jokers tag you have won it fair and square.



Please Maureen I give up don't encourage him !!!!!!


Bob