ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

There have been a couple of references recently to being “poetic”, so I thought it might be worth exploring this a little. My take on this is that it shouldn’t involve any special language, but rather it’s a case of finding the combination of everyday words that best evokes what you’re trying to say.

Writing a poem is a bit like stacking layers on a cake…finding the theme, telling the story, getting the rhyme and metre right, and making sure the lines flow naturally. The last point means avoiding awkward phraseology that forces rhymes and odd shorthand that tries to accommodate metre. Then there’s that final ‘extra’, the cherry on top, which means asking the question: “Could I have expressed that better?”

I’ll try (emphasis on “try”!) to give an example. Consider this stanza:

When darkness comes it hides the plain
and fills the sky with stars,
while he just sits like he’s in pain,
tormented by life’s scars.
I watch him sitting in his chair,
this man who once was proud,
who’s overcome by deep despair,
in dark depression’s cloud.

There’s nothing really wrong with this. The metre and rhyme are OK, the lines flow quite well, but there are a few things that niggle and it lacks a bit of ‘ooomph’. For example, the darkness “hides” the plain and “fills” the sky with stars. Surely this could be improved with more evocative words.

And then he sits “like he’s in pain”. The word “like” is a problem in that it can be overdone as the introduction to a metaphor, so it’s worth trying to avoid it if possible. In other words, don’t say one thing is “like” another…try to describe the scene so the image is incorporated and enhanced. (I think it was Glenny who made exactly that point in another thread some time ago.)

Then I watch him “sitting” in his chair, but I’ve already used “sits”, so it’d be a good idea to avoid the repeat if possible. Then there’s “who” and “who’s” in the next two lines, and the last line refers to “dark” depression’s cloud, but “darkness” was used in the first line so, again, it’s better to avoid the repeat. Here’s the final version:

When darkness comes to cloak the plain
and flood the sky with stars,
he sits and rocks to ease the pain
and banish daylight’s scars.
I watch him in his ancient chair,
this man once strong and proud,
but now brought low in deep despair,
depression’s long, black cloud.

Now the darkness comes to “cloak” the plain, a stronger word than “hides”. It suggests the all-enveloping blackness of night…but simultaneously we have “flood” the sky with stars, which evokes the incredible brilliance of the night sky in the outback.

He’s no longer just sitting “like he’s in pain”, but he “sits and rocks” to ease the pain…the image of dealing with stress through constant motion. He tries to “banish daylight’s scars”…a more specific reference than “life’s scars” which suggests that there is something very disturbing that haunts him in the light of day. To eliminate “sitting” I now watch him in his “ancient” chair, so we get the idea we’re looking at an old man, and one who was both “strong and proud”…so a clearer picture of the central character is emerging.

"Who" and "who's" are both gone, and, finally, avoiding the repeat of “dark” allows depression to become a “long, black cloud”…indicating something that has affected him for some time. And note that it doesn’t say depression is “like” a long, black cloud…it simply describes it as such straight out.

The above is something that’s clearly been structured to illustrate certain points, and there are undoubtedly alternative approaches, but I’m hoping it’ll nevertheless help to clarify the extra step that can be taken…the cherry on top…to extract a little more from the words on the page. Remember the question: “Could I have expressed that better?”

Cheers
David

Excellent David, thank you for sharing and expressing your thoughts so clearly, makes it so much easier when you see it written down like this.

Cheers

Maureen

Hi David,
I reckon that's a good example of what various people including myself have talked about, you have explained it well, there's nothing like an example to show what you mean.

It's a bit like going back to school, we start of learning the basics, then hopefully improve from there.

Cheers Terry

g'day David,
you have not only given a great lesson in looking at a work objectively but also displayed that other 'cherry' on top of hard work. I refer to talent. Some of us are blessed with it and some not quite so much. While this example may have seemed simple for you, it would have taken many hours and much rewriting for me and then probably not had such a successful ending. It is always good to have some insight into the way others go about their writing.

Thank you for sharing. Now it's back to the 'drawing board' for me. I hope to get some serious writing done while up north. There will be time after we visit Glenny.

Some very useful advise David.

Oomph..that's an interesting word, how do we find oomph.

I went to an orchestral concert the other weekend in which the orchestra played a piano concerto by Rachmaninov. Lots of oomph in that. They also played Finlandia by Jean Sibelius, again lots and lots of oomph. It hits me like a punch in the stomach.
I look at paintings by Paul Gaugin, Emil Nolde and Vincent Van Gogh and I see oomph.
I read the poetry of Robert Frost ,oomph

When I contemplate these artists and what they did, how they did it , I cannot help but be touched to the core by the passion that they brought to their art, because this passion shows, they didn't hide it but poured it out unreservedly.

So I conclude that oomph must be passion, and to be passionate must be poetic.

But how to bring passion out in the constraints of form and convention, how to find the notes, the colours, the words so that others can truly catch that passion. hmmmm now that's a hard job ? I'm still working on that.

Well here comes that old idiot bill about to enter into this written discussion.

I have heard lots of bull crap stating about what must be done or what must not to be done to improve our future.

I am by no means the best writer nor am I the worst but like other writer before me I write because I enjoy it and I wish for others to under stand the true feeling of living there as I have and seeing what our Australia is really like with it dust ,flies, harshness, wet, peace, quietness and beauty, and there are other people out there that enjoy it as well by all the reports that I have received around Australia.

Not everybody enjoys OUR FAVORITE WRITERS nor do we enjoy what others write. SO! why should we not write with simple words and tell a story that other ordinary people enjoy reading and there are millions of people out there interested in the world of yesterday year a world that many of these people can relate to, about their parents and grand parents and relations.

With our poetry, yarns and stories we are the present day writers of Australia's present history or are we so engrossed with our own ego that we ignore what is here today and yesterday and lose that precious thing called LIFE as we see it

BILL WILLIAMS the old battler

I don't think there is anything wrong with using simple words Bill - sometimes they do just fine but then you get the same thing described differently and perhaps the picture becomes more vibrant.

The rose was pink and smelled sweet - a perfectly viable description

The rose had velvet petals coloured palest pink and soft like a babys cheek and its fragrance was a sweet blend of musk and patchouli.

Both phrases describe the same thing

Thank you David. A wonderful example of editing in action.

Thanks Maureen, Terry, Zondrae, Neville, and Robyn...good to know it was useful!

Cheers
David

G'day David,

We are setting up a small library for our poetry group to access. It is in one members home, so not open to the whole of Wollongong. Could we put the tutorial you wrote on 'Metre' on the shelf, Please? I had in mind putting Glenny's 'Unstrained Melody' and Ellis's 'Tips' along with your tips, laminated, for our members to borrow. This will save each member having to printout a copy of their own. I usually loan my copy to new members, especially those who are new to writing. I try to steer them along a right path from day one. It is easier than trying to correct bad habits.

We have lots of books of poems, how to write poetry and text books (dictionaries, thesauruses, rhyming dictionaries, etc) but your tips (Glenny's and Ells's) are specific and related to us, today - therefore written in language we understand. Some of the others use older language and are a bit too technical.

Thank you in advance.