ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Lots of good suggestions there Wen - agree that Bobs is a gentle touch

Cheers

Maureen

Bob & Wen, You're going to hate me for this, it's a great line, but the meter is still out.
So how about,

'and whispered dad I love you, come on darling lets go home'

you could use Daddy or whatever.

I'd better slink away and hide now.

Terry

Well written Wen. I enjoyed it.

Heather

I'm not here...

but I thought to add a word

... 'Let's both go home'. seems to do it for me.

This is extremely nostalgic for me as my love and I eloped on15th August 1967, and I never did get to 'go home' every again.

The last line of the poem apears to change from iambic to trochaic feet. That doesn't mean that the metre is "out", only that Wendy has made a trochaic substitution in the last line ( looks like that to me ).

I think it needs to stay as it is, because any other arrangement would lose the impact that Wendy has made with that expression. It might have a slight jarring effect as Bob has said, but I think that suits the moment being depicted.

I try to play the game and conform to the bush poets' preference in formal style , but I think " rules" can be bent to give expression, if required, and if the bending is the result of searching for expression and not evidence of ineptitude.

I think I agree with Neville. The last line changes pace, it slows and is more thoughtful. It suits the poem. I like it.

Heather

There you go Wen lots of suggestions but as always it's up to you.


Cheers Bob