The Ghost of Cockle Ridge

[Cropduster]

Hi all

This is part 1 of a 42 verse children's story that I penned some time ago

I would love your feedback. I am a newbie to ABPA


THE GHOST OF COCKLE RIDGE


THE BEGINNING


Deep in the shadows of Cockle Creek Hollows, down where the crackle weeds grow,
A fat little chap called Wallace Wombat met his neighbour, the Brick-a-brac Crow.
Now, friends they were, and as friends do, Wallace asked the crow to tea,
And Bric-a-brac, he tipped his cap, and accepted graciously.

So, there they sat, they had a chat, and sipped their Cockle brew
And with the passing of the time, the evening shadows grew,
The crow he sighed ‘My cup is dry, I really should be off
And you my friend, I do contend, its food you’re thinking of.’

But as Wallace was digging in the dirt, as wombats often do,
He felt a shifting in the soil - slight tremors – one… then two.
‘I say, old Bric-a-brac, dear pal, I fear something’s amiss.
Would you mind flying round a bit to see what’s causing this.’

With that the crow took to the air, to gain some better views,
He soon returned, he looked concerned, he had distressing news.
Some dragons made of iron, and some monsters made of tin,
Were lining up on Cockle Ridge, with the aim of digging in.

‘We must alert, if we’re to avert most certain doom and gloom
Our friends, both furred and feathered, and we must alert them soon.
Once work is started, and earth is parted, it will be far too late,
To ever repair the horrible scar these monsters will create.’

It was time, it seemed to rally all the Cockle Creek brigade,
To band together, one and all, to protect the homes they’d made.
So they called a Cockle meeting, pasting posters everywhere,
Telling all that Cockle Ridge would surely disappear.

The creatures chitter-chattered all the day and all the night,
‘Cause Cockle Creek Hollows faced a cotton-picking plight,
All the burrows, hills and furrows from stream to mountaintop,
Were destined for oblivion, unless someone made Man stop.

The word had spread from near to far, from far to somewhere further,
And what was once a frightful din became a fearful murmur,
And all those creatures who lived without, as well as those within,
Commenced their cockle pilgrimage to the Cockle Creatures Inn.


© Copyright Allan Cropper 2012

[Bob Pacey]

I found it a bit jarring Allan just does not seem to flow off the tongue ?

Maintaining a consistent pattern helps.


Cheers Bob

[Bob Pacey]

I'm off fishing again so I sent ya a pm

Allan

Cheers Bob

[Cropduster]

Thanks Bob

I appreciate your feedback and I agree it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue like other bush ballads.. Enjoy the fishing trip

[Neville Briggs]

Sounds fine to me Alan. What authority requires that verse has to roll. As far as I know English doesn't roll, it flows sometimes but also jerks, grates, soothes , all that goes into the mix.
My teachers tell me that poetry is much more than just a pattern of metre and rhyme, it is meant to display all the varied colours of speech.
It's all good.

The only thing I wonder about is how children might be able to maintain attention for 42 verses. You might know better than me ( that wouldn't be hard ) Haven't they have been taught by Sesame Street that attention only needs to be maintained for a few seconds before the next entertaining moment arrives.

I could be wrong.

[Cropduster]

When it comes to the rhythm, I guess I know how I want it to sound and I can make it flow. I understand how others who are not in my head (and would probably never choose to be if they knew what it was like in there) would have difficulty in fitting so many words into a regular rhythmic pattern. The Graeme Base books are accompanied by elaborate illustrations so that only a few verses appear on each page, which would keeps children interested. A community artist friend of mine had offered some time ago to illustrate the story so that I could look at self publishing, but she never got around to it and is now kept so busy with community artwork that I fear she may never will. I had considered recording the story and selling copies of the book at market stalls and fairs, with the recording playing behind me. However, before I take that step I was hoping that there would be sufficient interest shown in this forum to indicate that it may be a worthwhile pursuit. I guess I am fishing to see if there is enough interest in the first eight verses for people to want to see the entire story. Fingers crossed. Otherwise I will still enjoy writing poetry for the pure enjoyment of it. I wrote another story this morning called 'The V-dub, the Mud and the Cow' which I intend posting in the next day or so, when I iron out some of the bugs. Cheers mate. Thanks for reading and taking an interest. Much appreciated.

[alongtimegone]

Hi Allan ... I very much enjoyed the story. I can see it illustrated and presented for children, although as Neville pointed out, 42 verses may be a bit long, the story would have to maintain a high can't wait to read the next verse quality but that's not impossible the verses you've posted so far do that.
Cheers ... Wazza

[Cropduster]

Thanks Wazza

I am thinking the only way people will be able to judge its merits is by posting the complete story (albeit without illustrations)). I believe the story holds interest and has enough imagery to enable the reader to picture in their head what is going on. It actually picks up pace as it goes along and builds to a climax.

Do you think it is advisable to post the whole story, or would it be better to post digestible chunks so that people can choose to read on or ignore as they choose. I have it broken down to six parts.

Any advice is appreciated.

Kind regards

Allan

[alongtimegone]

Since there are 34 verses still to come I would not send them as one post and yet sending in chapters so to speak is really not a great option either as I think I'd be backtracking to remind me of what preceded. Maybe ... if you were to post the remainder, or perhaps the entire poem, as an attachment members could please themselves whether to read it all, read pieces, or not read any of it. I know that last sounds harsh, but that's an option some may take. Whatever you decide, a post of this length will always be problematic. Forums are probably not the best place for very lengthy single posts.

Wazza

[Cropduster]

Thanks Wazza

The attachment is a good suggestion.

I might try to edit the post containing part 2 of the story and see if it allows me to then attach the complete story.

Much appreciated.

Allan