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Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 12:57 pm
by Heather
Outstanding Marty. I found it a bit bumpy in places but nonetheless I think it is brilliant. With a bit of punctuation and a slight polish I think you have a stunning poem. Gold star material.
Heather
Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:16 pm
by Maureen K Clifford
Agree with Heathers take on it Marty... brilliant, although I didn't find the potholes
but did think perhaps this line might be smoother if you just relocated 'once' but consider that to be a speed bump
men once young who heard the call and rallied to a cause
men young once, who heard the call and rallied to a cause
Cheers
Maureen
Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:32 pm
by Heather
That line has 13 syllables whereas the others all appear to have 14 - little pot hole!
I think it is a brilliant poem. One of your best Marty.
Heather
Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:21 pm
by manfredvijars
Sorry Heather, the 'stress' count is seven, that verse is fine ...
Marty, in the third stanza - fourth verse ...
"to ensure that the new blokes are not left to fend alone "
"ensuring that the new blokes ... " or similar perhaps to smooth it out ??
Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:33 pm
by Heather
Oops, my mistake. Back to beginners' classes!
Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:16 pm
by manfredvijars
NO! ... Advance 2 steps forward for trying to help out ...
Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:47 pm
by Bob Pacey
Pot holes better report them to the council. do not fix them yourself or you might find yourself in court.
Marty Liked it very much both the way you convey your message and the way the poem flows.
A good read Bob
Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:34 pm
by Trace
Brilliant Marty!
Re: Final parade
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 8:20 pm
by Dave Smith
I like it Marty I am used to negotiating a few bumps so no worrys to me.
TTFN
