Re: Position 9 Row B Wall 28
Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 2:21 pm
You've got some real good stuff going there Marty.
I hope I'm allowed to make constructive suggestions here. I think you could do without stanza four. The rest says it all. What do you think ?
The other thing I'd suggest is that instead of saying " stark wall " that you try and think of a word or words that describe the physical property of the wall that makes it look stark. That's a hard one, but I think can be done to powerful effect.
The solemn repetition of the numbers is excellent, really makes the mood.
And I wouldn't try and polish up the metre, leave it, it works fine like that.
I make these suggestions because I think this is one of the best things you have done. With a bit of refining I reckon this would be a good one to put in one of those service events that are coming up for ANZAC Day.
Good on ya, Marty.
I hope I'm allowed to make constructive suggestions here. I think you could do without stanza four. The rest says it all. What do you think ?
The other thing I'd suggest is that instead of saying " stark wall " that you try and think of a word or words that describe the physical property of the wall that makes it look stark. That's a hard one, but I think can be done to powerful effect.
The solemn repetition of the numbers is excellent, really makes the mood.
And I wouldn't try and polish up the metre, leave it, it works fine like that.
I make these suggestions because I think this is one of the best things you have done. With a bit of refining I reckon this would be a good one to put in one of those service events that are coming up for ANZAC Day.
Good on ya, Marty.