ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

SPIDERS IN THE WOODPILE
Allan Cropper ©

When you're sifting through the timbers
that are stacked up by the shed,
better keep your wits about you
'cause you may just wind up dead,
or at least a damned sight crook, mate
if the critters in the pile
sink their fangs into your fingers
you could be laid up a while.

Ma had send me out the back
to get some fuel to feed the stove.
Didn't see the red back spider
or the web the bugger wove.
But he chose to introduce himself
in no uncertain terms.
I was too big for his dinner
but he'd make me food for worms.

Well, it stung like 'How's ya father',
started screaming like a girl.
I could feel the venom pulsing,
thought for sure that I would hurl.
I was sweating like a grunter
but I knew I must stay calm.
Stuck me hand into me jumper
to immobilise me arm.

Well, the missus heard me screaming,
she came running from the porch.
Though my sight was getting blurry
I could tell she brought the torch.
'Call an ambulance!'I shouted
'and they better get here fast,
'cause me heartbeat's getting weaker,
every breath could be my last.'

'Bloody spider up and bit me'
I said, reaching out my hand
'The pain is getting worser,
more than any bloke could stand.'
Well, me wife just came up closer
She said 'Let me take a look.'
'Gawd, its nothing but a splinter.
Come inside you bloody sook.'

Oh, there's spiders in the woodpile,
you had better mark my word,
and they'll get you if they're able
when the woodpile gets disturbed.
So, these days when I go rootin' round
where spiders hide unseen
I drown the buggers good and dead
with Pea Beau and Mortein.

Terrific! Great poem.

Good one Alan

My mate got stung by a scorpion that was hiding in some firewood he'd brought down on a fishing trip once.
He reckoned it stung a bit but still kept on fishing - he was a tough old devil though.

Terry

Bloody sook !


Bob

Thanks Vic and Terry.

Of course, Bob, the poem is not about me

At least it wasn't under the dunny seat.

Good one Allan! The unexpected ending is always a winner in a good yarn!

We have redbacks. My hubby was bitten on the arm a few years ago while fossicking around in his shed. He didn't get the full dose of venom but it still gave him problems for several weeks.

I walked into the ensuite one day and discovered a monster redback had shimmied down on a single web strand from the air vent, hanging right at eye level. I suddenly discovered my ability to engage reverse gear in super-quick time.

Cheers, Shelley

No toilet seat this time, Neville.

I am glad you were able to avoid the clutches of a 'monster' redback, Shelley

It has always amused me how the Americans call them a 'Black Widow', a much more sinister sounding name than the Aussie 'call-it-as-you-see-it' redback.

Interesting that you should say that about names Allan. There was a question about Australia on a British quiz show recently and the quiz champion ( who got it right ) said that he admired Australians for their straightforward naming of things.
We have; Red back spider, Snowy River, Blue Mountains, Sandy Desert, Bare Island,
Null-arbor Plain ( No tree plain ) There must be more Perhaps a clever poet could make something of that.

And maybe a pair of gloves for the splinters Allan.

Neville, the thing about those Australian's naming things is that they were probably English born and not Australian at all