grammar

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David J Delaney

grammar

Post by David J Delaney » Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:14 pm

G'day all, I'm wrapt to receive a commended place at Cervantes, but was wondering if anyone thinks there is something wrong with the last line in this stanza, as, it was mentioned to me recently it has bad grammar & probably stopped this poem getting some kind of place in another comp, but this is how I talk eh!

"Far from his unit and the din
he prods the campfire embers hot
and feels that feeling deep within,
a life he thought he had forgot"

Dave.

dave emo

Re: grammar

Post by dave emo » Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:24 pm

Dave,
I understand that line completely.
What gets into these judges?

emo

David J Delaney

Re: grammar

Post by David J Delaney » Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:31 pm

Thanks Dave, there were a couple of other things the judge pointed out to me & to which I agree, but this one, I don't.

DaveD.

Heather

Re: grammar

Post by Heather » Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:40 pm

Dave I guess what they meant was that in our normal every day speech we would say something like:
A life he thought he had forgotten

but then you could say the same for
He prods the hot campfire embers

Neither sounds nearly as poetic as what you have written.

Heather

william williams

Re: grammar

Post by william williams » Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:44 pm

Dave Bill the old Battler here. We all speak different now ain't that true but The ideals of ABPA are good
yet no allowance is made for how we write and they ( meaning judges and I mean nothing about their intensions) believe we should be all a carbon copy of correct english Language? we are Australians and this is our style of speech or is it now to me and many others I can see nothing wrong

Bill the old Battlers

Maureen Clifford

Re: grammar

Post by Maureen Clifford » Mon Nov 01, 2010 1:26 pm

Hi Dave

Heather is on the money with her comment

You could perhaps try it as


"Far from his unit and the din
he prods the campfire embers hot
and feels that feeling deep within,
a life forgotten? It was not"


Cheers

Maureen

dave emo

Re: grammar

Post by dave emo » Mon Nov 01, 2010 1:34 pm

The poetry has to have rhythm and rhyme and be Australian. If a "proper English" criteria is introduced then you've destroyed Australian Bush Poetry. I reckon.

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Zondrae
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Re: grammar

Post by Zondrae » Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:31 pm

Well,
I guess "the judges" hope that we writers are clever enough to be able to write as we speak AND keep the grammar correct at the same time. Every language has it's own syntax. (Now there is a word we have yet to address!)
Zondrae King
a woman of words

Leonie

Re: grammar

Post by Leonie » Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:43 pm

I think a lot of it depends on the particular style chosen too. If the poem is somewhat formal correct grammar is probably expected, but if it is more of a colloquial thing allowances might be made.

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Zondrae
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Re: grammar

Post by Zondrae » Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:24 pm

eg - CJ
Zondrae King
a woman of words

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