It's That Time of Year
It's That Time of Year
Last year I wrote a poem for my friend Kerrie who was turning 49 and was NOT HAPPY about that fact. This year the big 50 came around and rather than have a party she decided to escape on a cruise so I thought she deserved another poem. This is my first attempt at internal rhyme. I know there are a few bumpy bits - but hey, it says what I want it to. Little does Kerrie know that we are going to give her a "surprise" in a couple of weeks - Ha, who gets the last laugh now?
Comments and advice welcome. Here goes...
Comments and advice welcome. Here goes...
-
- Posts: 6946
- Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:08 pm
- Location: Here
Re: It's That Time of Year
Perfect for an occasional verse Heather, Just don't try reciting it to her after you've sampled a few glasses of birthday party champagne....... who would have the last laugh then ?
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.
- Bob Pacey
- Moderator
- Posts: 7479
- Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Yeppoon
Re: It's That Time of Year
Sounds al right to me Heather The only one that I might change is the second verse
You thought to confuse us by boarding a cruise
Perhaps just drop the us ! seems to roll better without it >
still good though
Cheers Bob
You thought to confuse us by boarding a cruise
Perhaps just drop the us ! seems to roll better without it >
still good though
Cheers Bob
The purpose in life is to have fun.
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!
-
- Posts: 1405
- Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:41 pm
- Location: Port Lincoln SA
Re: It's That Time of Year
...G'day Heather, I reckon it's pretty bloody good....not that you would know you young wippersnapper....you lucky young wippersnapper! I always reckon getting old is a pain in the bum....but it sure beats the alternative!....
Ross
Re: It's That Time of Year
Thanks for the advice Neville. Note to self: read poem before partaking of bubbly beverages.
Bob, I had trouble with that line. I originally had "bemuse" and changed it to "confuse" and I agree it's bumpy but if I take out "us" I lose the metre. I could also use "amuse". May need some more contemplating - on another day.
Thanks Ross. It took a while to do the internal rhyme but once I got into the mood and the rhythm it became easier. My husband says he'd hate to think how long I took to write it (when I should have been doing bookwork for the tax man!) - it doesn't matter I tell him - it's good for my brain!
Heather
Bob, I had trouble with that line. I originally had "bemuse" and changed it to "confuse" and I agree it's bumpy but if I take out "us" I lose the metre. I could also use "amuse". May need some more contemplating - on another day.
Thanks Ross. It took a while to do the internal rhyme but once I got into the mood and the rhythm it became easier. My husband says he'd hate to think how long I took to write it (when I should have been doing bookwork for the tax man!) - it doesn't matter I tell him - it's good for my brain!
Heather
- Maureen K Clifford
- Posts: 8061
- Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:31 am
- Location: Ipswich - Paul Pisasale country and home of the Ipswich Poetry Feast
- Contact:
Re: It's That Time of Year
That it is - and keeping those gray cells going is important. Good fun poem your mate will be very chuffed I think.
I agree with Bob's comment - regardless of the technicalities it reads better without it. One speed bump removed. You've done very well - it works for me.
Cheers
Maureen
I agree with Bob's comment - regardless of the technicalities it reads better without it. One speed bump removed. You've done very well - it works for me.
Cheers
Maureen
Check out The Scribbly Bark Poets blog site here -
http://scribblybarkpoetry.blogspot.com.au/
I may not always succeed in making a difference, but I will go to my grave knowing I at least tried.
http://scribblybarkpoetry.blogspot.com.au/
I may not always succeed in making a difference, but I will go to my grave knowing I at least tried.
Re: It's That Time of Year
The option of NOT turning Fifty or any other age in the future should never be contemplated, but should be looked forward to with eager anticipation.
They're milestones to be celebrated...
They're milestones to be celebrated...
- Dave Smith
- Posts: 1726
- Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:12 pm
- Location: Collie W A
Re: It's That Time of Year
Wow Heather good looks and brains how lucky can ya get.
Our eldest daughter did not turn 50 last year it was 40/10 and don’t think any different.Ya mate will love ya for the poem.
TTFN
Our eldest daughter did not turn 50 last year it was 40/10 and don’t think any different.Ya mate will love ya for the poem.
TTFN
Last edited by Dave Smith on Tue Mar 01, 2011 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I Keep Trying
-
- Posts: 160
- Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:44 am
Re: It's That Time of Year
Heather
Perhaps replace "us" with "just".?
Just a suggestion .
Val W
Perhaps replace "us" with "just".?
Just a suggestion .
Val W
- Peely
- Moderator
- Posts: 456
- Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:50 am
- Location: Tumut, NSW
Re: It's That Time of Year
G'day Heather
Or what about changing the 'to' in the line to 'you'd':
you thought you'd confuse us by boarding a cruise
thus avoiding your friends for the sun.
I think it might have been the word 'to' that was making the line jar.
Regards
John Peel
Or what about changing the 'to' in the line to 'you'd':
you thought you'd confuse us by boarding a cruise
thus avoiding your friends for the sun.
I think it might have been the word 'to' that was making the line jar.
Regards
John Peel
John Peel - The Man from Gilmore Creek