ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

The Colonoscopy

Now I've been around the world a bit
I've had my share of strife
yeah anyway you look at it
I've led a pretty varied life

I've faced my fears when duty called
cause I never quit you see
but if you want to see what fear is
just mention " Colonoscopy ".

See I did that test for bowel cancer
cause mate I aint no fool
and my doctor sent me to the surgeon
cause blood showed in my stool.

I sat there in his office
he seemed professional and kind
but I started squirming in my seat
when he mentioned my behind.

This tube is fitted with a camera
there is not much for you to fear
I though mate you can bloody talk
its not going up your rear.

They gave me some instructions
at least that's what I think
and Pricopep in two clear bags
that I would have to drink.

The third bag it was twice the size
Glycoprep to make you scour
you mix it up with water
and have drink it in an hour.

I had to fast for near twelve hours
which would be a massive feat
cause there's not a lot I'm good at
but mate I sure can bloody eat.

I had to wait till Sunday evening
so I got stuck into the beer
then pigged out on everything I could
as the cut off time drew near.

Low residue the diet said
and they weren't bloody wrong
it was easier to eat nothing
cause the list was not so long.

The day before I really knuckled down
now clear fluids are the go
I scanned the list for fourex gold
but it didn't get a show.

I took my first dose of Picoprep
some where round one or two
and within half a bloody hour
I was sitting on the loo.

Take my tip mate, when you drink it
get to the toilet bloody fast
they said it was a laxative
but it was like a nuclear blast.

A loose and watery bowel movement
that's what the packet said I think
I started spurting violently
and mate oh what a stink.

Have you ever watched a rocket ship
as it blasted for the stars
if I hadn't grabbed the toilet seat
I'd have ended up on Mars.

Now this stuff that they called Glycoprep
you drink a litre in an hour
it tastes something like camel spit
and its face contorting bloody sour.

I thought I must be empty now
cause my rear was overheating
I'm sure I voided heaps of stuff
I can't remember eating.

The next day at the hospital
I signed a heap of forms and more
I can't remember what they said
I was just thinking what's in store.

They took me to this cubicle
the nurse was so refined
then I put these paper pants on
that barely covered my behind.

They wheeled me into surgery
doctor and nurse were standing ready
they hooked this tube into my arm
I'm thinking steady, Bob mate steady.

The time had come no turning back
if your squeamish hold your lid
these are the explicit details
of exactly what they did.

Can't tell ya mate, cause I don't know
despite all my doom and gloom
I remember talking to them
then waking up back in that room.

They could have done just anything
the nurse patted my hand
its over now she whispered
as I came back from Disneyland.

A cup of tea and bickies
with milk or even cream
I don't get this at home ya know
its gotta be a dream.

They took a polyp from my colon
which they hooked out with a snare
and they gave me pictures of my bowel
and I can claim on Medicare.

Well that was it, all over
Pathology said the test was fine
what was I concerned about
my body is a shrine.

But now they sent me out a notice
which caused twitching in my rear
just to make sure there's no problems
I've got to do it all again next year.

Bob Pacey ( C )

...very...errr...informative Bob....

... waaayyyy too much information ...

G'day Bob,

As you have said, It is not them on the table. And why do they have to have so many people in the room looking up your clacker? Surely one doctor, one nurse, and one to administer the knock out drops, should be enough.
Another thing I wonder is - why do they ask you over and over again, what's your name, date of birth and who is your doctor and what is your operation today? Surely the clip board that they keep dropping on your tummy has all that written on it.

ah! so much material and so little time to write.....

G'day Zondrae

All the questions are most likely asked to make sure that they have it right. If the wrong procedure was carried out in any case, I'm sure that they would be up for quite a big bill. Back when I was a high school student, I went in to hospital to have an operation done on my right thumb. The doctor that did the procedure had written down that it was to be carried out on my left thumb. The questions in the operating room before hand soon set them right that a mistake had been made on the forms.

Regards


John Peel

Clerical mistakes. While waiting to get my left knee replaced at Canberra hospital they kept sending me a form for me to sign concerning me to have a vasectomy now what has that to got to do with a knee replacement and they wondered why I went and had my knee replaced at Goldbourn hospital

Bill Williams

Bob - there is nothing in this world that is a secret now.

It is hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing. Do you perform this by any chance? It would be fun to watch the faces of the audience squirming. Absolutely loved it.

Heather

Would it be their faces squirming Heather??? Do you think so????

Mmmm, I agree, bad choice of word Maureen. Faces wincing perhaps would have been a better word. Also some clenching and definitely lots of squirming.

Thanks for the comments everyone. Heather have only done it as a reading for a group of older folk and had some in tears. Do not know if it was the poem or memories. I do perform a poem about my prostate test which can have the same effect.

Cheers Folk I hope everyone has some performances for Australa day tomorrow. Aussie Aussie Aussie.