I'm Looking Through My Pony's Eyes

[Kym]

Hi Heather, How's life treating you?

From your little Oompa-Loompa friend.

[Heather]

Ploddin' along Kym, ploddin' along. Doing a bit of reading on Gallipoli. Donkey's and mules carted the water there.

Have you dried out up there yet?

Your belly dancing friend

[Zondrae]

G'da Kym,

Well you know I like my horses on the other side of a strong high fence but....
If you are seeing 'Through My Ponys Eyes', would you begin by saying 'I am riding?'
I would agree with 'We are Running" etc or "We go riding," or even "When she takes me riding, riding".
I don't want to be a party pooper but I am not too keen on all that repetition. But then that is only my feelings about how I would write. Aren't we lucky we have such a variety of styles and subject matter to share on this site?

Go for it Kym there is a comp closing soon.

[r.magnay]

G'day Kym,
I don't often comment these days but since you are getting such mixed feed back I might as well stick a coupla bobs worth in as well.
First impression to me is that this is a blind person talking, I am not sure if that is the intention but to me it makes it work better with that in mind. Of course you can't smell the sun as Bill says, but you can smell or at least feel the sun up your snoz on a hot day, I too would leave that in, like Zondrae I am not over the moon about the repetitive rhyme, however, for one poem amongst a heap I believe it gets the desired cantering feel across pretty well and is therefore quite acceptable. Generally I agree with Nevilles' summary, a 'poetic' piece which should accompany the painting well.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Hi Kym

Yes it is getting better - but this 2nd line needs some polish - bit bumpy



I hear a willy wagtail sing, so listen. Listen.
So clear and sweet, each song note seems to glisten.
Hooves are crunching, dogs are baying,
children laughing, horses neighing.
My leather saddle’s softly creaking. Listen.


Don't really think you need a capital letter on the repetition of the word either - I know you want a pause in the reading there . would this work better perhaps?


I hear a willy wagtail sing, so listen - listen.



Cheers

Maureen

[Kym]

Ross, you're spot on - it is about a blind girl (or boy I guess). Perhaps if that isn't clear enough I should write that in at the beginning so people don't imagine a child looking around everywhere? And yes, I too can "feel the sun up my snoz on a hot day"! Exactly what I was trying to say. I'm glad you commented Ross, I like to hear from you.

Zondrae, why can't the child be riding if they are blind? RDA (Riding for the Disabled) has wonderful trustworthy horses for the children to ride on weekends, and yes they can canter around because the horses are so well trained. I spoke to a little blind girl, about 10 years old I guess after she'd finished riding. She said that being on a horse is like flying cos they move so fast. She said she forgets she's blind because all of her other senses are so busy experiencing the ride, it doesn't matter that she can't see.

Maureen, isn't it funny, that no matter what we write our how we punctuate it, someone will tell us it should be the other way, so we change it, then someone else will say no it should be that way ... I've found that quite a few times in the judges' comments I get back. Some don't like - being used in poems. I used to do it a lot, til Heather taught us all about ; but they seem old fashioned to me so I'm still not comfortable with them. I liked using ... as a pause but someone smacked me for that too, so now I don't know what I like. Didn't you like "So clear and sweet, each song note seems to glisten."??? Awww, I liked that line. If you've ever heard a willy wagtail, you'd know how sharp their singing is ... no wait!!! I'm wrong, it's a Mountain Magpie I'm thinking of!!! Oh wow, good pickup Maureen. Same syllable structure and all. I'll go fix it now.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your comments and feedback.

See ya's,

Kym.

[Kym]

Ok, Take 17 ... changed a few more things, liking it better all the time ...

I’m Seeing Through My Pony’s Eyes

Upon my palomino, I am riding.
Across the grassy paddock, we are gliding.
On wings, we’re soaring, fluid motion,
rocking boat upon the ocean.
On winging hooves, escape to freedom - riding.

It’s through my pony’s eyes that I am seeing.
It feels like we are floating, flying, fleeing.
My nose, ears, hands are just so busy,
excited senses make me dizzy.
I’m blind but through my pony’s eyes, I’m seeing.

I hear a Mountain Magpie sing, so listen.
So clear and sweet, each song note seems to glisten.
Hooves crunching, dogs are baying,
kids laughing, horses neighing.
My saddle’s softly creaking as I listen.

I smell red roses blooming as I’m breathing.
The bitumen is hot, I smell it seething.
I smell the sunshine in the air,
smell musky scent of horses’ hair.
I hear the horses sniffing, snorting, breathing.

My horse feels warm and smooth, her mane I’m touching.
The firm but supple leather reins I’m clutching.
A sunny breeze is burning, prickling,
hairs across my face are tickling.
I bump another rider’s leg, we’re touching.

I’m happy, lucky, proud - that’s how I’m feeling.
With joy my heart is bursting, soaring, reeling.
My senses tingle through my fingers,
magic fills my heart and lingers.
Kaleidoscope of energy I’m feeling.

I feel my pony’s rhythm as she’s walking.
My friends are riding too, no need for talking.
The hills and sky, I cannot see,
and so my pony looks for me.
I feel what she is seeing as she’s walking.

It’s Saturday at RDA. Kids chatter.
We forget that we are blind, it doesn’t matter.
Soft melody of hoof beats sounding.
I feel alive, my heart is pounding.
Restrictions of a sightless world, I’m fleeing.
I’m looking through my pony’s eyes. I’m seeing.


Getting better ....

[r.magnay]

...yep! much better....might go outside and smell the sun now...

[william williams]

Hi Kym me bill back again try this in paragraph 4 line number three ( I sense the sunlight in the air)


Bill Williams

[Kym]

Hi Bill, Like Neville says, if you make things to literal, they aren't poetic. Bitumen doesn't seethe, hoofbeats don't make melodies, horses don't glide or fly, their hooves don't have wings, your heart doesn't really burst with happiness, or get filled with magic, energy doesn't come in kaliedoscopes and she can't really see or feel what her pony's seeing. It just about ways of describing experiences in a different way than we are familiar with.

If I was too literal, I'd say "The horses's sweat stinks and the ride is bumpy but I'm having fun." Hmmm, not exactly a floaty, whimsical, "ahhhh" kind of story to read, hey?

Kym.