Every story must have...

In the interests in broadening our horizons, this section is devoted to verse which falls outside the parameters of rhyme and metre, such as blank verse and free verse. Registered users are welcome to post their original works here.
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David Campbell
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Re: Every story must have...

Post by David Campbell » Thu Oct 22, 2015 4:38 pm

Thanks, Stephen.

Cheers
David

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Shelley Hansen
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Re: Every story must have...

Post by Shelley Hansen » Mon Oct 26, 2015 9:29 am

Oh David, what can I say? This is an absolute master class in the writing of free verse! The interspersing of the platitudes and quotes and especially the nursery rhyme is so effective - giving the impression of life going on as normal with everyone saying the right things - except that it isn't normal, and nothing is right.

I was immediately reminded of the experience of a young lady we know well. She was abused as a child, not by her father, but by her older brother (who was the apple of his mother's eye and could do no wrong). When she was little, she was a delightful freckle-nosed little kid who used to put her hand in mine and say, "Can I come and live with you?" At the time I thought it was no more than a belief that she would get more homemade treats at our place, but later I learned the real reason for her desire to escape. She almost fell off the rails as a teen, but just in time she caught herself and thought, "Why should he ruin my life?" She is now happily married and has become a fine woman, to her absolute credit.

Regards
Shelley
Shelley Hansen
Lady of Lines
http://www.shelleyhansen.com

"Look fer yer profits in the 'earts o' friends,
fer 'atin' never paid no dividends."
(CJ Dennis "The Mooch o' Life")

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David Campbell
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Re: Every story must have...

Post by David Campbell » Thu Oct 29, 2015 10:12 am

Thank you, Shelley. Not sure about the "master class", but what I hope the poem does achieve is an insight into various structural techniques we can easily use in rhyming verse...two contrasting "voices", separate sections to portray a life, and a timeline that's not chronological. Anyone interested in seeing what young writers can do with free verse and the use of language should have a look at the first three place-getters in the 16-17 years section of the Ipswich Poetry Feast. The second-prize winner, Ella Fox-Martens, is particularly impressive. She also won first prize in the 14-15 years section in 2014. To be able to write with such depth and maturity at that age is truly remarkable.

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David

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Shelley Hansen
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Re: Every story must have...

Post by Shelley Hansen » Thu Oct 29, 2015 3:25 pm

David, you are absolutely right about the three 16-17 year old prize winners at Ipswich. The winner "Staring at the Ceiling" was read out at the presentations, and the impact was undeniable.

What is good about all three of them is that they mean something - as does your "Every Story Must Have ..."

I really struggle with free verse that is just a collection of what are probably fabulous metaphors, but are so cryptic that you are left shaking your head about their meaning.

I like the "second voice" technique and it is interesting to contemplate its use in bush poetry. I'm sure there would be many themes where it would be very effective - a voice from the past interspersed with the present, voice of the city versus that of the land, etc. Definitely food for creative thought!

I also like the "flashback" technique - where you start at the end of the story and then throw back to the beginning. I've used that myself quite a bit - e.g. my poem about Bert Hinkler where I begin with his fatal plane crash and then go back to his boyhood.

Cheers, Shelley
Shelley Hansen
Lady of Lines
http://www.shelleyhansen.com

"Look fer yer profits in the 'earts o' friends,
fer 'atin' never paid no dividends."
(CJ Dennis "The Mooch o' Life")

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David Campbell
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Re: Every story must have...

Post by David Campbell » Sun Nov 01, 2015 4:21 pm

Yes, Shelley, it’s easy to see how Staring at the Ceiling would have hit home, especially with the older members of the audience. It certainly does mean something! I agree with your comment about the overly “cryptic” nature of some free verse (also rhyming verse, at times), for it usually only appeals to other poets, writers accustomed to playing with words and images. We’ve often discussed this here before, and I enjoy a poetic challenge, but there has to be a common point of reference, something with which a casual reader can identify. If it’s a complete mystery the word “poetry” just becomes a turn-off.

I spoke at a Rotary meeting just over a week ago at which the President, as part of introductory proceedings, described a forum he’d attended where a woman talked about the difficulty of dealing with her ice-addicted son, who was in jail at the time. So I began my presentation with A Stranger Walks Alone (it’s in the 2012 section of the poetry page), which is about drug addiction. I followed up with two other poems (one serious, one humorous) directly related to contemporary issues, and he confessed to me afterwards that he’d been really worried about having a poet as guest speaker because poetry meant nothing to him and he considered it totally irrelevant to everyday life. But now he’d changed his mind…and he bought copies of both my books! Makes it all worthwhile when you get a response like that.

Cheers
David

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Shelley Hansen
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Re: Every story must have...

Post by Shelley Hansen » Sun Nov 01, 2015 7:12 pm

Congratulations David - not just on the sale of your books, but on the positive results of presenting poetry that is accessible to all ... and shattering their preconceived ideas!

I've had two similar experiences - one was quite a while ago when I did a presentation at a local Ladies' Club. It mirrors yours - the president told me afterwards that some of the ladies had said, "Oh, no, not another poet" - because they'd had someone previously who had baffled them with cryptic stuff. They were pleased (so they said) to discover that my poetry was something they felt they could relate to.

More recently, we spent the last October long weekend at a caravan park in the South Burnett area of Queensland. There was a gathering of about 25 people around the campfire, so Rod and I offered to do a couple of our trademark poems - keeping it on the humorous side and limiting it to about 15 minutes. Later one lady said when she heard us say "poetry" she wanted to run, but was too well mannered! However she said what we performed was nothing like she had expected and she really enjoyed it. She (and the others) all turned up on the second night, asking for more. There had been only one occasion in the past where this particular lady had liked poetry she'd heard - and that was at Sue Pearce's caravan park at Tumut (are you there, Sue??) She remembered one poem in particular that Sue had performed - it was (guess what) your "Wasteland"!

I'm sure we're not the only ones to experience reactions like this - which just shows that people really don't know what's out there, and we have a big job to do if we're going to "edu-ma-cate" them!!

Cheers, Shelley
Shelley Hansen
Lady of Lines
http://www.shelleyhansen.com

"Look fer yer profits in the 'earts o' friends,
fer 'atin' never paid no dividends."
(CJ Dennis "The Mooch o' Life")

mummsie
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Re: Every story must have...

Post by mummsie » Sat Nov 07, 2015 8:25 pm

Yes, I'm here Shelley.
Firstly, congratulations David. A brilliant write.
Shelley-thank you for the feedback. It's interesting that Davids "Wasteland" should bring such comment given I only ever performed this poem once through all the shows conducted at the park (and there were many). When performing Bush Poetry I try to get to know the audience (not hard when your the one booking accommodation and checking in) and I recall on one occasion a very emotional woman standing in the office explaining how this was her first break since placing her husband in full time care with Dementia and beating herself up for not "being there". After a lengthy chat I made reference to Davids "Wasteland" and suggested including it in the show that night. I can honestly say I have never had so much discussion on a particular choice of poem and though we tend to look to the more humorous poems for this type of audience it just goes to show a little bit of serious can (with the right audience)be just as appreciated. How lovely that this woman makes reference to that occasion. :)

Cheers
Sue
the door is always open, the kettles always on, my shoulders here to cry on, i'll not judge who's right or wrong.

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