The Expert In The Corner

Post your true-blue Aussie yarns here.
Post Reply
User avatar
Posts: 1044
Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:43 pm

The Expert In The Corner

Post by keats » Fri Apr 22, 2011 4:13 pm


Every Hotel on every street of every town in every State of Australia has one. Whether it be a cultured Hotel in the inner city of Sydney, or some isolated pub along some steamy track which winds through the Mulga Scrub. If you look, then there he will be. Sitting in the corner at the bar, typically with a humorous plaque on the wall above his head. It will more often than not feature a rough, comic sketch of him, just above his full and nick names.
He is the local expert. If you require local knowledge, or for that matter any knowledge, then he is the man to fill you in.
I met an Expert in the Corner just recently, somewhere along the road to Cloncurry. Barney Schultz was his name, although the plaque above his head gave his full title as the ‘Honourable Barney (Know-It-All-Bastard) Schultz. Here is a rough transcript of our conversation and meeting of that day.
“Gidday, Barney is it?”
“Psychic, are ya?” asks the Honourable Barney, looking up at the name plaque above his head.
“So, what’s new around these parts, Barney”
“Nothing, and it’s Mr. Schultz to you, you pompous little bastard! Have a look at that bloke over near the pool table, will ya? He’s been sitting there for an hour and a half and he’s only had two beers. Slow as a legless turtle. Must be on drugs. Seen it before, in Korea. Never trust a bastard who drinks slow, I always say. Lenny the Barman has been watching him for the last hour. Reckon old Lenny will mug him after he leaves the pub. Did time for armed robbery, years back, old Lenny did. Never trust an ex-con I always say. If you’re looking for a good thing in the next race at Randwick, don’t go past the top-weight. Always back the top-weight in a Welter, I always say. God, this beers going flat quick! Tastes like leprechaun piss. Only had it once before, ya know!”
“What, Beer?”
“No, you stupid Bastard! Leprechaun Piss. Over in Ireland during the war.”
“What were you doing in Ireland during the war?”
“None of your bloody business, Sonny. Top secret stuff! The regiment used to drink gallons of Leprechaun piss and then fight for the rest of the day. I used to get stuck into it every day.”
“What, Lepracaun piss?”
“No! Fighting, you stupid bastard! I told you before, I’ve only had Leprechaun piss once in my life! Trouble with you young fools! Never listen! Think you know everything! Hey, that drug addicts pissed off. Lenny will follow him in a minute, and roll him out the back. He’d wanna be careful, though, ‘cause those McKenzie brothers over near the Jukebox will jump the bar and empty out the till, and if Lenny’s Missus catches them, she’ll beat the living crap out of 'em. Never trust a woman who used to be a shearer, I always say. Used to know a sheila a bit like her in the Antarctic during the war. Can’t remember her name.......”
“That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard!” I shouted.
“Don’t call me a liar, you bastard! I don’t have to stand around and listen to your abuse! I’m going out back for a snake's hiss, and you’d better not be here when I get back, else I’ll throw your stinking carcass out the door myself!”
The Honourable Barney (Know-It-All-Bastard) Schultz left to go to the Men’s dunny. Lenny the Barman disappeared outside, the top-weight won the Welter by eight and a half lengths at 66 to 1, the McKenzie Brothers jumped the bar and raided the till but were caught by Lenny’s Missus and beaten to death with a half-shorn sheep. Just as I was about to leave, a Leprechaun came and pissed in my glass and asked me to let Barney know that there was an army reunion of the Irish Secret Task force, next week at the Antarctica
I left the Hotel quickly and hurried down the road, past Lenny, who had just finished mugging the drug addict and stealing two bags of marijuana from his pocket .
I kept going until I came upon another Hotel, whereupon I immediately set about seeking out the guy in the corner and asking him what he liked in the next race at Randwick. He offered me a glass of Unicorn Spit, which I gracefully accepted. There were to be no arguments with this type of man, for he is the ‘Expert In The Corner’!

©Nei McArthur 2011

Posts: 1385
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:41 pm
Location: Port Lincoln SA

Re: The Expert In The Corner

Post by r.magnay » Fri Apr 22, 2011 6:11 pm

....Niel....are you sure you didn't smoke those 2 bags of hooch?


Re: The Expert In The Corner

Post by manfredvijars » Fri Apr 22, 2011 6:32 pm

... Mate, you really are full of it!!! (all good sh_t too) ... :lol:

Bob Pacey
Posts: 7463
Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 9:18 am
Location: Yeppoon

Re: The Expert In The Corner

Post by Bob Pacey » Fri Apr 22, 2011 7:02 pm

Remember an ex is finished and a spurt is a drip under pressure.

Good one Neil

The purpose in life is to have fun.
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!

Jasper Brush

Re: The Expert In The Corner

Post by Jasper Brush » Sun Apr 24, 2011 9:50 pm


A good yarn.

You tied all the ends up. :D

Yep you solved the lot. :D

And tipped a winner to boot.



Post Reply