The Man Who Never Drank Water

Post your true-blue Aussie yarns here.
Post Reply
User avatar
Stephen Whiteside
Posts: 3784
Joined: Sat Nov 27, 2010 1:07 pm

The Man Who Never Drank Water

Post by Stephen Whiteside » Mon Jan 16, 2012 3:40 pm

The Man Who Never Drank Water

© Stephen Whiteside 16.01.2012

The man who never drank water was in fine form as he sipped his gin and tonic. The ice cubes rattled in the top of the glass as he shook it gently from side to side and watched the bubbles rise. He allowed himself a brief sideways glance in the nearby mirror. He was looking immaculate - hair neatly parted, white teeth shining brightly, dark suit looking trim, clean, bright shirt and, to top it all off, his pink and white polka-dotted bow tie.

Having thus reassured himself he strode confidently once more into the midst of the social gathering, and was soon re-immersed in casual yet animated conversation. Soon the party was ushered into the large dining room. Large glass chandeliers hung spectacularly from the ceiling. In the centre of the room stood a long table of polished oak. Tall-backed oak chairs stood at each table placing, which held silver cutlery, crystal glasses, and a thick white linen table napkin, starched and firmly pressed.

The man who never drank water took his seat amongst the others. Wine was served. Jugs of iced water were placed at strategic points on the table. He somewhat ostentatiously turned his water glass upside down. His neighbour expressed some surprise.

Why did you do that?

I never drink water.

What do you mean, you never drink water?

I never do. It’s as simple as that. I don’t like the taste. Can’t stand it.

How peculiar. But there’s water in everything we drink.

Yes, of course. That’s OK. But I can’t stand the taste of it by itself.

So you drink tea and coffee?

Of course.



Wine and spirits?

The man who never drank water raised his wine glass by way of reply.

How about soft drink?

Occasionally. Bit too sweet for my taste.

Fruit juice?

Very refreshing under the right circumstances.


At a pinch. Not often. Nasty, cheap stuff. And that’s the other thing. It’s a matter of principle. Water costs almost nothing. Therefore, it must be worth almost nothing. I’m not going to drink anything that is worthless.

Unusual logic, but I can follow it - as far as it goes.

The man who never drank water smiled smugly.

At the end of the evening, the man who never drank water took a taxi to the airport, and hopped on a late night flight to return to his home city. The weather was bad, and the plane crashed in the mountains. He was one of the few survivors.

The following day, as the sun rose high in a pitiless blue sky and rescue did not appear imminent, the little group began to move down the mountain in search of water. A sparkling brook was encountered in a deep gully. They all drank deeply, and were well refreshed - all except the man who never drank water. He reached for his hip flask but, alas, it had broken in the crash, and all the whiskey had long since escaped.

Two days later, a search party reached them after a prolonged period of determined bush-bashing. Tired and hungry, but otherwise in good spirits, all of the survivors were revived with hot food and clean, dry clothing - all of them, that is, except the man who never drank water, who maintained his principles until the very end.
Stephen Whiteside, Australian Poet and Writer

User avatar
Maureen K Clifford
Posts: 7621
Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:31 am
Location: Ipswich - Paul Pisasale country and home of the Ipswich Poetry Feast

Re: The Man Who Never Drank Water

Post by Maureen K Clifford » Fri Jan 20, 2012 2:11 pm

He probably lived at Ipswich - the stuff out here would corrode you pipes...never touch it unless its boiled first :lol: :lol:
Check out The Scribbly Bark Poets blog site here -

I may not always succeed in making a difference, but I will go to my grave knowing I at least tried.

Post Reply