Collaborative Poem Number 6 - Looters

[Wendy Seddon]

LOOTERS

As we sang " ..'way in a manger"
we found floods had brought a stranger
to increase the chance of danger
It's not mozzies seeking blood..
ZK

As we sit at our computers,
we should all load up our shooters,
then go out and shoot the looters,
looting victims of the flood!
RM

Now here is my own little thought
for if these mongrels did get caught
their life to me is worth but nought
as concrete boots would do the trick
DJD

to hold them in the muddy flow.
An act like this would quickly show
that looting folk is not the go
and those that do the crime are sick.
JP

as the brown waters slowly rise
one can’t but help wish their demise
devoid of their ill gotten prize
these lowest of the low
MKC


As the water flows across them
They may see the error of their ways
On them It may slowly dawn then
The crime of looting never pays
DS

Stripping elderly of treasure
is a cruel and perverse leisure,
should be dealt with no mean measure
of law's most judgemental ways.

Wen

Take these offenders from the city
to a place a bit less pretty
I suggest a patch of mulga scrub
to contemplate their crime
MB
In a jail made of Boab
with no prospect of some rehab
let them pay for their infraction
with hard labour and hard time
MB

We’re all sitting at computers
writing verses about looters
but I think we need some tutors
‘cause the rhymin’s gone to pot.
LP

But that doesn’t change my feeling,
‘bout the way we should be dealing
with these blighters who are stealing
we should shoot the bloody lot.
LP

When Judgement Day arrives
And the Righteous Judge arises
Will I be found so innocent
To sentence crimes of others.
NB

We're pretty ruthless in this joint
and maybe Neville has a point
perhaps we should show tolerance
of all our thieving brothers.
LP

To be vigilant is cautious
but vigilanties make me nauseous
and I say with utter sureness (well, close!)
they'll be the ones to pay.
Wen

So now we all are in accord
that virtue is its own reward
and sanity has been restored.
They’ll face their judgement day.
LP

Well, now the metre's back on track,
with looters I could not hold back,
and, if I saw one with his sack.
I'd shoot him on the spot!
DJD

OH DAVE! AND YES, I'M YELLING
'CAUSE I'VE ONLY JUST BEEN TELLING-
VIGILANTIES WILL BE DWELLING
IN THE GOALS! THAT'S THEIR LOT!
Wen

[r.magnay]

LOOTERS

As we sang " ..'way in a manger"
we found floods had brought a stranger
to increase the chance of danger
It's not mozzies seeking blood..
ZK

As we sit at our computers,
we should all load up our shooters,
then go out and shoot the looters,
looting victims of the flood!
RM

Now here is my own little thought
for if these mongrels did get caught
their life to me is worth but nought
as concrete boots would do the trick
DJD

to hold them in the muddy flow.
An act like this would quickly show
that looting folk is not the go
and those that do the crime are sick.
JP

as the brown waters slowly rise
one can’t but help wish their demise
devoid of their ill gotten prize
these lowest of the low
MKC


As the water flows across them
They may see the error of their ways
On them It may slowly dawn then
The crime of looting never pays
DS

Stripping elderly of treasure
is a cruel and perverse leisure,
should be dealt with no mean measure
of law's most judgemental ways.

Wen

Take these offenders from the city
to a place a bit less pretty
I suggest a patch of mulga scrub
to contemplate their crime
MB
In a jail made of Boab
with no prospect of some rehab
let them pay for their infraction
with hard labour and hard time
MB

We’re all sitting at computers
writing verses about looters
but I think we need some tutors
‘cause the rhymin’s gone to pot.
LP

But that doesn’t change my feeling,
‘bout the way we should be dealing
with these blighters who are stealing
we should shoot the bloody lot.
LP

When Judgement Day arrives
And the Righteous Judge arises
Will I be found so innocent
To sentence crimes of others.
NB

We're pretty ruthless in this joint
and maybe Neville has a point
perhaps we should show tolerance
of all our thieving brothers.
LP

To be vigilant is cautious
but vigilanties make me nauseous
and I say with utter sureness (well, close!)
they'll be the ones to pay.
Wen

So now we all are in accord
that virtue is its own reward
and sanity has been restored.
They’ll face their judgement day.
LP

Well, now the metre's back on track,
with looters I could not hold back,
and, if I saw one with his sack.
I'd shoot him on the spot!
DJD

OH DAVE! AND YES, I'M YELLING
'CAUSE I'VE ONLY JUST BEEN TELLING-
VIGILANTIES WILL BE DWELLING
IN THE GOALS! THAT'S THEIR LOT!
Wen


It's rare for me to bear a grudge,
but slimy looters in the sludge,
for this case you can make me judge,
I say they should be shot!

[Irene]

LOOTERS

As we sang " ..'way in a manger"
we found floods had brought a stranger
to increase the chance of danger
It's not mozzies seeking blood..
ZK

As we sit at our computers,
we should all load up our shooters,
then go out and shoot the looters,
looting victims of the flood!
RM

Now here is my own little thought
for if these mongrels did get caught
their life to me is worth but nought
as concrete boots would do the trick
DJD

to hold them in the muddy flow.
An act like this would quickly show
that looting folk is not the go
and those that do the crime are sick.
JP

as the brown waters slowly rise
one can’t but help wish their demise
devoid of their ill gotten prize
these lowest of the low
MKC

As the water flows across them
They may see the error of their ways
On them It may slowly dawn then
The crime of looting never pays
DS

Stripping elderly of treasure
is a cruel and perverse leisure,
should be dealt with no mean measure
of law's most judgemental ways.
Wen

Take these offenders from the city
to a place a bit less pretty
I suggest a patch of mulga scrub
to contemplate their crime
MB

In a jail made of Boab
with no prospect of some rehab
let them pay for their infraction
with hard labour and hard time
MB

We’re all sitting at computers
writing verses about looters
but I think we need some tutors
‘cause the rhymin’s gone to pot.
LP

But that doesn’t change my feeling,
‘bout the way we should be dealing
with these blighters who are stealing
we should shoot the bloody lot.
LP

When Judgement Day arrives
And the Righteous Judge arises
Will I be found so innocent
To sentence crimes of others.
NB

We're pretty ruthless in this joint
and maybe Neville has a point
perhaps we should show tolerance
of all our thieving brothers.
LP

To be vigilant is cautious
but vigilanties make me nauseous
and I say with utter sureness (well, close!)
they'll be the ones to pay.
Wen

So now we all are in accord
that virtue is its own reward
and sanity has been restored.
They’ll face their judgement day.
LP

Well, now the metre's back on track,
with looters I could not hold back,
and, if I saw one with his sack.
I'd shoot him on the spot!
DJD

OH DAVE! AND YES, I'M YELLING
'CAUSE I'VE ONLY JUST BEEN TELLING-
VIGILANTIES WILL BE DWELLING
IN THE GOALS! THAT'S THEIR LOT!
Wen

It's rare for me to bear a grudge,
but slimy looters in the sludge,
for this case you can make me judge,
I say they should be shot!
RM

May they burn in hellish weather
wrapped in cloth and bound in leather
as we all rejoice together
while we leave them there to rot!
IC

[Zondrae]

OK, OK
Put down your ropes and daggers. Please, and lets get back to form
Now, as I see it - stanzas one to five are ok. (I will not raise the ogre of stresses at this point.)

The first rule of rhyme and metre poetry (see both Ellis Campbell and Glenny Palmer's tutorial) you will find this in any and all text books.
is: The first stanza sets the rhyme and metre for the whole poem. All other stanzas must conform.

Our effort.
St 1; the first three lines are of equal length (eight syllables) and rhyme with each other.
the last line has seven syllables and is the lead rhyme for the following fourth line.
St 2; consistent with st one
the last line rhymes with the last line of st one.
St 3; consistent with St 1 and 2
the next lead rhyme for line four
St 4; consistent with st 1,2,3,
and line four rhymes line four st3..
So far so good.

St 5; the first three lines rhyme
the fourth is the next lead rhyme

therefore in stanza six we should have;
the first three lines rhyming
the fourth rhyming with line four st five.

St 7: OK
St 8; OK

St 9. out
St 10 woohoo. good
st 11 woohoo again

St 12;

So, this is my take on the poem up to this point. If someone else would have some input - it would be a good time to offer it up.
I am not the guru - I am, like most of us, trying to improve my understanding of the structure of 'Bush Poetry'.
If I have something wrong. please tell me. I would love to lure Miss Palmer into the lesson. (She is the Guru)

I am prepared to stick my neck out but please, sharpen the axe if you must have a go at me.

[David J Delaney]

LOOTERS

As we sang " ..'way in a manger"
we found floods had brought a stranger
to increase the chance of danger
It's not mozzies seeking blood..
ZK

As we sit at our computers,
we should all load up our shooters,
then go out and shoot the looters,
looting victims of the flood!
RM

Now here is my own little thought
for if these mongrels did get caught
their life to me is worth but nought
as concrete boots would do the trick
DJD

to hold them in the muddy flow.
An act like this would quickly show
that looting folk is not the go
and those that do the crime are sick.
JP

as the brown waters slowly rise
one can’t but help wish their demise
devoid of their ill gotten prize
these lowest of the low
MKC

As the water flows across them
They may see the error of their ways
On them It may slowly dawn then
The crime of looting never pays
DS

Stripping elderly of treasure
is a cruel and perverse leisure,
should be dealt with no mean measure
of law's most judgemental ways.
Wen

Take these offenders from the city
to a place a bit less pretty
I suggest a patch of mulga scrub
to contemplate their crime
MB

In a jail made of Boab
with no prospect of some rehab
let them pay for their infraction
with hard labour and hard time
MB

We’re all sitting at computers
writing verses about looters
but I think we need some tutors
‘cause the rhymin’s gone to pot.
LP

But that doesn’t change my feeling,
‘bout the way we should be dealing
with these blighters who are stealing
we should shoot the bloody lot.
LP

When Judgement Day arrives
And the Righteous Judge arises
Will I be found so innocent
To sentence crimes of others.
NB

We're pretty ruthless in this joint
and maybe Neville has a point
perhaps we should show tolerance
of all our thieving brothers.
LP

To be vigilant is cautious
but vigilanties make me nauseous
and I say with utter sureness (well, close!)
they'll be the ones to pay.
Wen

So now we all are in accord
that virtue is its own reward
and sanity has been restored.
They’ll face their judgement day.
LP

Well, now the metre's back on track,
with looters I could not hold back,
and, if I saw one with his sack.
I'd shoot him on the spot!
DJD

OH DAVE! AND YES, I'M YELLING
'CAUSE I'VE ONLY JUST BEEN TELLING-
VIGILANTIES WILL BE DWELLING
IN THE GOALS! THAT'S THEIR LOT!
Wen

It's rare for me to bear a grudge,
but slimy looters in the sludge,
for this case you can make me judge,
I say they should be shot!
RM

May they burn in hellish weather
wrapped in cloth and bound in leather
as we all rejoice together
while we leave them there to rot!
IC

So Zondrae now has made a point
for all us mob here in this joint,
a guru we must now anoint
to get the metre right.
DJD

[Zondrae]

My friends I hope I don't offend
you're getting better near the end
you've made it swing and made it blend.
.... Yes, I can say 'Good Night'.

(I think they've got it right! phew!)

[David J Delaney]

LOOTERS

As we sang " ..'way in a manger"
we found floods had brought a stranger
to increase the chance of danger
It's not mozzies seeking blood..
ZK

As we sit at our computers,
we should all load up our shooters,
then go out and shoot the looters,
looting victims of the flood!
RM

Now here is my own little thought
for if these mongrels did get caught
their life to me is worth but nought
as concrete boots would do the trick
DJD

to hold them in the muddy flow.
An act like this would quickly show
that looting folk is not the go
and those that do the crime are sick.
JP

as the brown waters slowly rise
one can’t but help wish their demise
devoid of their ill gotten prize
these lowest of the low
MKC

As the water flows across them
They may see the error of their ways
On them It may slowly dawn then
The crime of looting never pays
DS

Stripping elderly of treasure
is a cruel and perverse leisure,
should be dealt with no mean measure
of law's most judgemental ways.
Wen

Take these offenders from the city
to a place a bit less pretty
I suggest a patch of mulga scrub
to contemplate their crime
MB

In a jail made of Boab
with no prospect of some rehab
let them pay for their infraction
with hard labour and hard time
MB

We’re all sitting at computers
writing verses about looters
but I think we need some tutors
‘cause the rhymin’s gone to pot.
LP

But that doesn’t change my feeling,
‘bout the way we should be dealing
with these blighters who are stealing
we should shoot the bloody lot.
LP

When Judgement Day arrives
And the Righteous Judge arises
Will I be found so innocent
To sentence crimes of others.
NB

We're pretty ruthless in this joint
and maybe Neville has a point
perhaps we should show tolerance
of all our thieving brothers.
LP

To be vigilant is cautious
but vigilanties make me nauseous
and I say with utter sureness (well, close!)
they'll be the ones to pay.
Wen

So now we all are in accord
that virtue is its own reward
and sanity has been restored.
They’ll face their judgement day.
LP

Well, now the metre's back on track,
with looters I could not hold back,
and, if I saw one with his sack.
I'd shoot him on the spot!
DJD

OH DAVE! AND YES, I'M YELLING
'CAUSE I'VE ONLY JUST BEEN TELLING-
VIGILANTIES WILL BE DWELLING
IN THE GOALS! THAT'S THEIR LOT!
Wen

It's rare for me to bear a grudge,
but slimy looters in the sludge,
for this case you can make me judge,
I say they should be shot!
RM

May they burn in hellish weather
wrapped in cloth and bound in leather
as we all rejoice together
while we leave them there to rot!
IC

So Zondrae now has made a point
for all us mob here in this joint,
a guru we must now anoint
to get the metre right.
DJD

My friends I hope I don't offend
you're getting better near the end
you've made it swing and made it blend.
.... Yes, I can say 'Good Night'.
ZK

So farewell Zondrae please sleep tight,
don't let those bedbugs bite tonight,
when morning comes you'll get a fright,
for still the poem grows.
DJD

[Irene]

Hmmmm, interesting exercise.

I find that the metre has chopped and changed quite frequently through this poem.
I am certainly no guru, but will put my two bobs worth in anyway!!!

As Zondrae says, the first stanza sets the pattern, so the way I see it is as follows:
where
v - equals an unstressed syllable
/ - equals a stressed syllable

As we sang " ..'way in a manger" vv/v/v/v
we found floods had brought a stranger vv/v/v/v
to increase the chance of danger vv/v/v/v
It's not mozzies seeking blood. vv/v/v/
ZK

I think this could also be /v/v/v/v
which is trochaic.
However, for myself, I feel it flows better speaking it as in the top stresses - which is an anapestic foot, followed by iambic, so I'm going to stick with that!!

Given that, this is how I see the stresses for each stanza.

Looters

As we sang " ..'way in a manger" vv/v/v/v
we found floods had brought a stranger vv/v/v/v
to increase the chance of danger vv/v/v/v
It's not mozzies seeking blood. vv/v/v/
ZK

As we sit at our computers, vv/v/v/v
we should all load up our shooters, vv/v/v/v
then go out and shoot the looters, vv/v/v/v
looting victims of the flood! vv/v/v/
RM

Now here is my own little thought v/v/v/v/
for if these mongrels did get caught v/v/v/v/
their life to me is worth but nought v/v/v/v/
as concrete boots would do the trick v/v/v/v/
DJD

to hold them in the muddy flow. v/v/v/v/
An act like this would quickly show v/v/v/v/
that looting folk is not the go v/v/v/v/
and those that do the crime are sick. v/v/v/v/
JP

as the brown waters slowly rise vv//v/v/
one can’t but help wish their demise v/v/v/v/
devoid of their ill gotten prize v/v/v/v/
these lowest of the low v/v/v/
MKC

As the water flows across them vv/v/v/v
They may see the error of their ways vv/v/v/v/
On them It may slowly dawn then /v/v/v/v
The crime of looting never pays v/v/v/v/
DS

Stripping elderly of treasure vv/v/v/v
is a cruel and perverse leisure, vv/v/v/v (crool)
should be dealt with no mean measure vv/v/v/v
of law's most judgemental ways. vv/v/v/
Wen

Take these offenders from the city v/v/v/v/v
to a place a bit less pretty vv/v/v/v
I suggest a patch of mulga scrub vv/v/v/v/
to contemplate their crime v/v/v/
MB

In a jail made of Boab vv/v/v/v (ja-il)
with no prospect of some rehab vv/v/v/v
let them pay for their infraction vv/v/v/v
with hard labour and hard time vv/v/v/
MB

We’re all sitting at computers vv/v/v/v
writing verses about looters vv/v/v/v
but I think we need some tutors vv/v/v/v
‘cause the rhymin’s gone to pot. vv/v/v/
LP

But that doesn’t change my feeling, vv/v/v/v
‘bout the way we should be dealing vv/v/v/v
with these blighters who are stealing vv/v/v/v
we should shoot the bloody lot. vv/v/v/
LP

When Judgement Day arrives v/v/v/
And the Righteous Judge arises vv/v/v/v
Will I be found so innocent v/v/v/v/
To sentence crimes of others. v/v/v/v
NB

We're pretty ruthless in this joint v/v/v/v/
and maybe Neville has a point v/v/v/v/
perhaps we should show tolerance v/v/v/v/
of all our thieving brothers. v/v/v/v
LP

To be vigilant is cautious vv/v/v/v
but vigilanties make me nauseous v/v/v/v/v
and I say with utter sureness (well, close!) vv/v/v/v
they'll be the ones to pay. v/v/v/
Wen

So now we all are in accord v/v/v/v/
that virtue is its own reward v/v/v/v/
and sanity has been restored. v/v/v/v/
They’ll face their judgement day. v/v/v/
LP

Well, now the metre's back on track, v/v/v/v/
with looters I could not hold back, v/v/v/v/
and, if I saw one with his sack. v/v/v/v/
I'd shoot him on the spot! v/v/v/
DJD

OH DAVE! AND YES, I'M YELLING v/v/v/v
'CAUSE I'VE ONLY JUST BEEN TELLING- vv/v/v/v
VIGILANTIES WILL BE DWELLING vv/v/v/v
IN THE GOALS! THAT'S THEIR LOT! vv/v/v/ (ga-ols)
Wen

It's rare for me to bear a grudge, v/v/v/v/
but slimy looters in the sludge, v/v/v/v/
for this case you can make me judge, v/v/v/v/
I say they should be shot! v/v/v/
RM

May they burn in hellish weather vv/v/v/v
wrapped in cloth and bound in leather vv/v/v/v
as we all rejoice together vv/v/v/v
while we leave them there to rot! vv/v/v/
IC

So Zondrae now has made a point v/v/v/v/
for all us mob here in this joint, v/v/v/v/
a guru we must now anoint v/v/v/v/
to get the metre right. v/v/v/
DJD

My friends I hope I don't offend v/v/v/v/
you're getting better near the end v/v/v/v/
you've made it swing and made it blend. v/v/v/v/
.... Yes, I can say 'Good Night'. v/v/v/
ZK

So farewell Zondrae please sleep tight, v/v/v/v/
don't let those bedbugs bite tonight, v/v/v/v/
when morning comes you'll get a fright, v/v/v/v/
for still the poem grows. v/v/v/ (po-em)
DJD

Hence, IMHO, although many of the lines have the required 8 (or 7 for the last line) syllables, the stresses are not always in the same place. This gives a different metre than the original stanza.

No doubt there are people more expert that can correct my reasoning, but I'm open to comment from anyone!!

(I'm sure to have mucked this up somewhere!!! Do you have any idea how long it has taken me to type all this up???? )

[Wendy Seddon]

LOOTERS

As we sang " ..'way in a manger"
we found floods had brought a stranger
to increase the chance of danger
It's not mozzies seeking blood..
ZK

As we sit at our computers,
we should all load up our shooters,
then go out and shoot the looters,
looting victims of the flood!
RM

Now here is my own little thought
for if these mongrels did get caught
their life to me is worth but nought
as concrete boots would do the trick
DJD

to hold them in the muddy flow.
An act like this would quickly show
that looting folk is not the go
and those that do the crime are sick.
JP

as the brown waters slowly rise
one can’t but help wish their demise
devoid of their ill gotten prize
these lowest of the low
MKC

As the water flows across them
They may see the error of their ways
On them It may slowly dawn then
The crime of looting never pays
DS

Stripping elderly of treasure
is a cruel and perverse leisure,
should be dealt with no mean measure
of law's most judgemental ways.
Wen

Take these offenders from the city
to a place a bit less pretty
I suggest a patch of mulga scrub
to contemplate their crime
MB

In a jail made of Boab
with no prospect of some rehab
let them pay for their infraction
with hard labour and hard time
MB

We’re all sitting at computers
writing verses about looters
but I think we need some tutors
‘cause the rhymin’s gone to pot.
LP

But that doesn’t change my feeling,
‘bout the way we should be dealing
with these blighters who are stealing
we should shoot the bloody lot.
LP

When Judgement Day arrives
And the Righteous Judge arises
Will I be found so innocent
To sentence crimes of others.
NB

We're pretty ruthless in this joint
and maybe Neville has a point
perhaps we should show tolerance
of all our thieving brothers.
LP

To be vigilant is cautious
but vigilanties make me nauseous
and I say with utter sureness (well, close!)
they'll be the ones to pay.
Wen

So now we all are in accord
that virtue is its own reward
and sanity has been restored.
They’ll face their judgement day.
LP

Well, now the metre's back on track,
with looters I could not hold back,
and, if I saw one with his sack.
I'd shoot him on the spot!
DJD

OH DAVE! AND YES, I'M YELLING
'CAUSE I'VE ONLY JUST BEEN TELLING-
VIGILANTIES WILL BE DWELLING
IN THE GOALS! THAT'S THEIR LOT!
Wen

It's rare for me to bear a grudge,
but slimy looters in the sludge,
for this case you can make me judge,
I say they should be shot!
RM

May they burn in hellish weather
wrapped in cloth and bound in leather
as we all rejoice together
while we leave them there to rot!
IC

So Zondrae now has made a point
for all us mob here in this joint,
a guru we must now anoint
to get the metre right.
DJD

My friends I hope I don't offend
you're getting better near the end
you've made it swing and made it blend.
.... Yes, I can say 'Good Night'.
ZK

So farewell Zondrae please sleep tight,
don't let those bedbugs bite tonight,
when morning comes you'll get a fright,
for still the poem grows.
DJD


As I strive for rhyme and rhythm, vv/v/v/v
and the subtleties within 'em vv/v/v/v
then I find I must begin 'em vv/v/v/v
with my tongue out to compose. vv/v/v/
Wen

[Wendy Seddon]

Hey! that's a lot harder! But a challenge - and that's gotta be good.
Thanks Zondrae and Irene for all that work trying to rien us in and making me try harder and pay closer attention to, and remain true to, the authors
original stanza.
MWA, Wen