Another opinion sought

[Terry]

Another opinion sought!

I always feel doubtful with certain rhymes, in this case it's WAY with AWAY I'll post the stanza here so you can see what I mean.


I pause awhile at Murphy’s well and think of stories it could tell,
of men from many walks of life, who’d stopped to wash the grime away.
The shearers and the mining types that rested here and smoked their pipes,
while swapping yarns and bits of news, that they had heard along the way.

Don't worry about the actual stanza, it's still a work in progress.

Cheers Terry

[tom mcilveen]

Another opinion sought!

I always feel doubtful with certain rhymes, in this case it's WAY with AWAY I'll post the stanza here so you can see what I mean.


I pause awhile at Murphy’s well and think of stories it could tell,
of men from many walks of life, who’d stopped to wash the grime away.
The shearers and the mining types that rested here and smoked their pipes,
while swapping yarns and bits of news, that they had heard along the way.

Don't worry about the actual stanza, it's still a work in progress.

Cheers Terry

hi terry ...i reckon lose the 'way' too close to away...dilutes your rhyme...try 'and try to pass the time of day'....sounds better...don't you think???

regards
tom mcilveen

[Terry]

G/day Tom,
Yes I agree, I had been thinking of using DAY or something similar, I never feel right about rhyming words that are too much alike.
I thought I'd see how others view this type of thing as similar rhymes crop up a regular basis.
I'm always interested in other opinions and thoughts on the best way to go about various aspects of writing.
The fact that a person asks I suppose, suggest they weren't too happy with what they were doing anyhow.

Cheers and Thanks,

Terry

[Maureen K Clifford]

I agree with Tom I would be looking for something else Mate

Maybe this could work for you

I pause awhile at Murphy’s well and think of stories it could tell,
of men from many walks of life, who’d stopped to wash the grime away.
The shearers and the mining types that rested here and smoked their pipes,
while swapping yarns and telling of the news from town heard yesterday


Cheers

Maureen

[Bob Pacey]

Or use Who'd stopped to wash the grime of day

Mainly because I think this is a great descriptive line.


Bob

[Terry]

G/day Maureen & Bob,
Both excellent ideas, this is my latest version, which is similar to Tom's suggestion.

I reckon If I put the whole poem up I might just end up with a half decent poem here mates.


I pause awhile at Murphy’s well, and think of stories it could tell,
of men from many walks of life, who’d stopped to wash the grime away.
The shearers and the mining types that rested here and smoked their pipes,
while swapping yarns and bits of news as they would pass the time of day.

Cheers and many thanks,

Terry

[Heather]

If it's a gold story you could also use the word "pay". Stay is another that could work.

Heather

[william williams]

High Terry

while swapping yarns and bits of news, (that they had heard along the way)

That they had heard the other day.

Bill W

[Terry]

Hi Heather & Bill, Thanks a couple of more excellent suggestions.

What I was really trying to do was start a discussion on 'iffy' rhymes, but have had the bonus several good suggestions as well.

You often see rhymes used that are similar to that dicey one I used as an example, although I have a pretty good idea of what Glenny would say, I'd still be interested in anything she might like to add on the subject.

Cheers and thanks - Terry

[Bob Pacey]

I think the ultimate test is in the spoken word Terry. Recite it and you will see that the way and away just do not seem to fit, and even someone performing the piece could not disguise it.


Look forward to seeing the full poem.

Cheers Bob