THE RIVER

[Neville Briggs]

I know ..I know... it's not the accepted rhyme and metre and you don't like this sort of thing, no need to make that criticism.

I have attempted to make a sort of structure. The lines are supposed to have a stress or "focus" on the beginning of the lines and trail off a bit towards the end of the line.
Have I succeeded ? Feel free to tear me apart for my weak attempt or any other reason other than the above.


THE RIVER

I am the river and this is my land,
I will go wherever I want.
You said " We will live by the river "
You said " We will have river views "

I was here at the beginning,
you are strangers and aliens to me.
Did I invite you here ?

When the clouds come,
my strength will build up,
from the rain I take my fill.
When I rise, will you
Drink me up
wipe me away
push me back from where I came ?

I am the river and this is my land,
for now, I've returned to my place.
I am not overcome,
I will go wherever I want.

[Dave Smith]

Neville

I don’t know about the rhyme or metre but I rather like it, two reasons “1” it’s the way I think and “2” it reminds me of an old movie ”Elephant Walk” staring Elizabeth Taylor. Both tried to bend old established routes to man way, foolish.

TTFN

[Neville Briggs]

Thanks Dave. I afraid I'm not familiar with the movie.

I wasn't meaning to ascribe foolishness, just make the point that when nature is on the move it does not take into account our plans or arrangements.

[Zondrae]

G'day Neville,

It was hard for me to get my head around the piece. I kept wanting 'more'. Some lines felt that they were incomplete. I suppose it is because I expect to see uniformity. (or at least an attempt at uniformity) I do think that If I heard the piece, rather than read it, it would make more sense, structure wise.

I agree with the sentiment. We mortals think we can alter the landscape and get away scott free. Live on edge of a volcano or the river bank or build dams to 'control' flow and succeed. We cut great holes in the earth, either for transp[port tunnels or mining and expect that there will be no consequence. Will, one day, the Crust simply shake off it's fleas and shrink back to reclaim contact with it's skin?

It brings up the question of global warmig. How I see it, there have been warmer and cooler periods in the life of our planet. Perhaps we may have 'hurried up' the next warmer period but I feel it was inevitable . . but I try to do my bit for 'greener' living. We have just received our first electricity bill showing the credits for the solar panels we had put on in September.

Sorry I am all gloom and doom today. I lost a dear friend recently and am not my usual 'Pollyanna' self.

[Maureen K Clifford]

I like it Neville - no criticism from here. It hearkens to my innermost thought that you can't mess with Mother Nature...she was just flexing her muscles with the floods, getting maybe a bit stroppier with the cyclones - we will know that very soon - just to show that if she want's to she can, and should she decide to back off she will....not a bloody thing we can do about it...we have to learn to live with the land, not change it.

These lines say it all IMO

I am the river and this is my land,
I will go wherever I want.

we might build dams or try to divert them - she may allow us to use their mighty forces and powers, but in the end, she wins

Cheers

Maureen

[Heather]

I like it too Neville. It demonstrates Nature's power over mankind and that she doesn't give a damn for our plans or wishes.

Heather

[Heather]

Marty you need to write bigger! We can't hear you!

Heather

[Dave Smith]

Neville
To explain my self, In support of your words of wisdom, the movie “Elephant Walk” was about a plantation owner who decided he would build his massive house on an old established Elephant trail then they would have the best view, It made no difference to the Elephants they just followed their trail straight through the house no problem and no more house. Easy hey don’t mess with Mother Nature.

I remember this movie very well It had Elizabeth Taylor; I must have seen It a dozen times (I guess I was about 18).

TTFN

[Terry]

Hi Neville,
I reckon with not too much effort, that could be turned in to a very nice rhyming poem with excellent rhythm. (you should give it a go)
But each to his own mate.

Cheers Terry

[Neville Briggs]

Hully hinted at the judges reaction to my piece. The comments here are the judges that interest me.

Dave, you saw that movie a dozen times at the age of 18 and your most vivid memory is that it had Elizabeth Taylor in it. hmmmm I see.

Thanks Maureen and Heather I knew you'd understand.

As for that Marty...DOBBER Got me kicked off the poetry page and banished to the discussion page.


The most interesting comments came from Zondrae and Terry.

Zondrae said she wanted more, it seemed incomplete, and she was looking for uniformity which she couldn't find.
That's it Zondrae. Good point. It's not a ballad or a narrative, anyone looking for that won't find it, it's not there.
In my feeble way it is intended to be a poem as distinct from a story and certainly distinct from prose. I may be challenged by more knowledgable than me but I am sure it cannot be read as prose, it is not chopped up prose.
So what does complete mean Zondrae ? . For me it is complete, that's all that needs to be said to establish a passionate reflection on a catastrophe. Everybody knows all the rest, they don't need to be told.

I did wonder about your comment that you would want to hear it. I think there's a way to
" hear " a poem when you read it, but that's a long discussion. Reading out loud is one way to do it. Who cares what the family thinks ?

Terry's comment that it could be turned into a rhyming poem without too much effort I take as a great compliment. My piece is not rhymed but I assume that Terry saw that it had elements of obvious poetic form and some rhythmic feel albeit more informally placed. e.g. lines 3 & 4 and the repetition of lines 1 & 2 at 15 & 18 .
Did you think that Terry

I did intend to do a rhyming piece as a different angle on the flood events, but for such an emotive theme and to place "the best words in the best order" and express the emotion I felt about the catastrophe , I sort of ended up there.