grammar

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David J Delaney

Re: grammar

Post by David J Delaney » Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:40 pm

Thanks for your reply everyone, I have gone through my poem & addressed the things the judge pointed out, but, this stanza I'm keeping. :)

r.magnay
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Re: grammar

Post by r.magnay » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:38 pm

Exactly Zondrae, I was just about to say....."..might as well chuck all the CJ Dennis books away! obviously he has no idea about writing Australian Bush Poetry"
Ross

Heather

Re: grammar

Post by Heather » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:44 pm

Good for you Dave. It is your poem and it should be how you want it.

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Zondrae
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Re: grammar

Post by Zondrae » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:53 pm

David,

Some of our words are just that! 'our words' and we don't have to change 'em. If it means we don't win a comp with that poem, who cares. I have just been awarded a HC with a poem I wrote some time back. I had a long wrestle with it but I refused to give it up to other people's advice. I did receive some very good pointers from Glenny Palmer on this poem but in the end it is still has the 'feel' about it that it did when the very first version was written on my birthday in 2005. Way back then. How much have we all learned since then! The idea was that the voice in the poem is thinking of the lost love every minute of the day and wondering if the other thinks of her/him. It was actually witten in response to a judges remark of "where are all the love poems"? I thought, love poems, I'll give em love poems.

So stick to your guns and guard your words. Even if they may not conform. I have even made up words in one of my winning poems.
Zondrae King
a woman of words

manfredvijars

Re: grammar

Post by manfredvijars » Mon Nov 01, 2010 8:52 pm

"Far from his unit and the din
he prods the campfire embers hot
and feels that feeling deep within,
a life he thought he had forgot"


Hi Dave ... I'd have written it just a tad differently ...

Far from his unit and the din
he prods the campfire (embers hot) .... or, he prods the campfire - embers hot;
and feels that burning deep within, (feels and feels is redundant - burning is in keeping with the 'embers')
for a life that he thought he'd forgot. (puts the 'stress' in the "HE" rather than the "had" and turns this line from iambic into mixed metre)

David J Delaney

Re: grammar

Post by David J Delaney » Mon Nov 01, 2010 10:04 pm

Thank you all again & Manfred thank you for your suggestions, I understand what you did with the 2nd line & really like the 3rd line, but, the last line you wrote has 9 syllables & my poem throughout has 8 syllables.

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Irene
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Re: grammar

Post by Irene » Mon Nov 01, 2010 10:47 pm

Hi Dave
Congratulations on your commended.
I don't see a problem with the line - I believe it depends very much on the particular judge, and how he reads it. What wins in one competition doesn't in another, but if you are happy with what you have in it, stick with it!!
Personally, I like it, and our judge obviously did also.

Catchya
Irene
What goes around, comes around.

David J Delaney

Re: grammar

Post by David J Delaney » Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:50 am

Thanks Irene, well all here is my slight adjustment & I'm sticking with it. :)


Far from his unit and the din
he prods, the campfire embers hot,
relives that burning deep within,
the life he thought he had forgot.

Heather

Re: grammar

Post by Heather » Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:35 am

It's good!

Dave are you going to post your winning poem Old Life Dreams ? I think it was one you had on the old forum but would be good to read again. Congratulations on your commended.

Heather

Neville Briggs
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Re: grammar

Post by Neville Briggs » Tue Nov 02, 2010 1:42 pm

G'day Dave,

I have received critiques and I have seen critiques by poetry judges which focus on unimportant and even irrelevent technical trivia.

They talk at great length about rhyme. One even pencilled down the side of one of mine the rhyming scheme and called it a strange rhyming scheme. I have no idea what a strange rhyming scheme might be.

They talk about metric consistency ( whatever that might mean , still trying to discover ) but almost nowhere do I see any reference to the power of poetic expression. I understand your frustration Dave, believe me I understand . I fear that in the bush poetry arena if these judges keep their focus on lesser things like formal structure, then the vision of the power of the poetic will get get downgraded to our loss.

The danger is that in order to conform to a narrow definition of versifying, the creative aspect of bush poetry will not thrive.


I can't undertand how our mate Terry could miss an award because of one word allegedly used wrongly. The famous Welsh poet Dylan Thomas used words in all sorts of unorthodox ways. He will still be regarded as great poet long after some bush poetry referees have disappeared.


Neville.
Neville
Singleton Bush Poets.

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