A poetry experiment

[David Campbell]

Hi to anyone with some spare time and the willingness to do a bit of experimenting. I mentioned in another thread (‘The Australian Landscape’ under General Chit-Chat), in confirming something Zondrae said, that free verse (please don’t switch off!) was often about the structure of poems and the placement of words…it was more of a visual medium. That may not have meant much, so here’s an illustration using traditional poetry as a starting point. I’ve taken an epitaph that forms part of one of my bush verse pieces (‘Alone’)…it’s an inscription found on an ancient, broken piece of gravestone by a city girl who is struggling to survive on an outback station. Here’s how it appeared in the original poem:

I loved him dear this forty year
He was my moon and sun
Through good and bad with all I had
I did what could be done
Now he has gone he will live on
Though I am on my own
For I am he and he is me
So I am not alone

It’s all there…regular metre and perfect rhyme. But it could be set out in a format (below) that clearly looks like free verse. Now you might say: “Why bother?” But there is a logic to it. This allows me, in the way the lines are broken, to better suggest a way of reading it. Punctuation can only do so much, and what appears below reflects the way I read this in public, with slight pauses not only following the punctuation, but also the line-endings. Because it’s an epitaph it needs to be read slowly, and this layout emphasises that. It also allows the final line to emphasise the single word “alone”. But is it still traditional verse? How would it be received in a written bush poetry competition?

I loved him dear
this forty year,
he was
my moon
and sun.
Through good and bad,
with all I had,
I did what could be done.
Now he has gone he will live on,
though I
am on my own,
for I
am he,
and he
is me,
so I am not
alone.

I’m not proposing that we start playing around with bush verse, merely trying to explain, very briefly and roughly, what I meant by the visual aspect of free verse. It does offer some possibilities for structuring a poem in a way that will influence a reader’s perception and understanding. So if the above helps anyone to think further about approaches to writing, then that’s all it’s intended for. And the challenge would be to take something you’ve written and experiment with the structure to see what happens.

Cheers
David

[Neville Briggs]

I reckon you are dead right Marty. No matter how the lines are arranged, the sound in this example still remains the metre and rhyme sound. The organisation of the written form is another matter..

As I have said before I would urge bush poets to try and learn about pushing the boundaries of metric structure before being concerned with any sort of free form.

David.
Is it traditional verse? I would say No.

How would it be received in any written bush poetry competition ?
The organising principle of the poem is the metre not the sense. The use of enjambment shows this we hope.
So I expect that it would not pass muster because it is not written out to show the organising of the metric feet.
Otherwise Paterson would have written
I had written him a letter which I had for want of better knowledge
sent to where I met him......... etc etc.

Is it valid to assume that poets reading the lines of metre and verse are unable to discern the natural pauses and breaks of speech despite the placement of lines in metric feet ?
I suspect that they surely can. They must if they are to understand poetic form.

[manfredvijars]

Experimentation is great for pushing boundries. My exercise was from the other end. I wanted to write a piece in perfect rhyme (and metre) which would not be obvious when recited.
Ironically it too is called ...

Alone
(c) 2010 Manfred Vijars

And at each turn in the journey that we faced
...together, you taught me more than I knew
about my deepest inner senses. I embraced
...your soft sweet gentle teachings and I grew.
-----------... Could not have come this far alone.

Giving, for no other reason than, "it's what
...you do" (and not because you have to). So
when sometimes I fell short you would forgive and not
...hang onto 'hurts' to use - to keep me low.
-----------... You filled my heart, yes 'You' alone.

Journeying these last miles of our lives I thought
...that we would travel them together, but
you slipped into the Silver Night. Oh sweet Consort -
...my Queen, I'm left here with the deepest cut.
----------... I'm lost and empty - so alone.
---

[Vic Jefferies]

David,

Interesting proposition. I have argued on a number of occasions (not here) that the main difference between traditional rhymed poetry and free or blank verse can be easily illustrated by the way the poem is printed on the page. The Man From Snowy River loses nothing in terms of poetic worth no matter how it is written. If it is laid out in the form of prose and read as such it is still a wonderful poem. Much free verse if it is laid out in the way ordinary prose is ceases to have any claim to poetry whatsoever and often becomes nothing more than fairly meaningless sentences.
Much contemporary free verse that I read seems to be laid out (if that is the appropriate term) with no thought to end stops or emphasis but merely for visual appeal. When one attempts to read it as it is written, pausing where one should for line endings and double spacing between stanzas they often make absolutely no sense at all and one is left wondering what the point of the written arrangement is . I tend to write them off as gimmicky!
I doubt your rearranged poem would meet with many judges approval.

[Zondrae]

David,

I have just come in the door and am excited. I have had a conversation with my 11 year old grandson and by george I think he 's got it. I asked him if he would be interested in entering poetry in competitions. I offered to give him some guide lines on writing but he understands rhyme and (believe it or not) metre. So I hope we have a budding poet in the family. He actally asked
"If I wrote a poem that went da de da de da all evenly throughout, would that get me extra points?"
I will print out your post, if you don't mind, and pass it along to him. I don't want to give him too many restraints when he is just starting to show interest in poetry.

[Maureen K Clifford]

I seem to remember David Delaney posting a piece on the old site that from memory was I think??? free verse - and it was about moving a piano up stairs (you all know Dave is/was a removalist - furniture - not people) and he had set his poem out as stairs going upwards. It was very clever.

Maybe if you ask Dave really really nice he would post it here. Sure all members who haven't seen it would be interested in seeing it...Please Dave, pretty please

Cheers

Maureen

[Neville Briggs]

[quote="Vic Jefferies"] the main difference between traditional rhymed poetry and free or blank verse

I have made enquiry into these things very carefully.

Rhymed verse is verse that has rhyming words as part of the organising structure. It is traditionally, usually, syllabic/accentual or accentual metre. Lawson and Paterson wrote most of their stuff like this. (Ogden Nash wrote verse that rhymed but not metred )

Blank verse is also syllabic/accentual or accentual metre in exactly the same way as the above, with the obvious difference that blank verse does not include rhyming as part of the organising structure.
Shakespeare wrote reams of blank verse.

Both of the above are traditional , neither of the above verse forms has any connection to free verse or free form.
Free verse has no formal syllabic, accentual or rhyming structure.

Sorry about stirring old campfires Manfred. ...I just hoped that we could be clear on that. There seems to be misunderstanding of categories at times.

[David Campbell]

Marty and Neville

You're dead right about the rhyme...it does tend to dominate and determine how the piece goes. Now I'm wondering what difference it would make if I kept the metre, but eliminated the rhymes. I'll think about it. It raises the question of the exact point in the transformation at which traditional verse ceases to be so. It'd probably get very short shrift in a comp.

Manfred

This is terrific, and it's not easy to get something like this working effectively, particularly when the line breaks appear to fall in unusual places and the structure is not exactly standard. Carol Reffold told me that she learns her poetry by writing it out as prose. She does a great version of 'Clancy', a poem which lends itself to ordinary conversation. A Ron Stevens poem called 'Cycles' appeared in the April-May edition of the magazine last year. Here are the first few lines, but set out as prose: "This aqueduct at Queensland's Stonyville is not yet overgrown, its structure still intact, although the Palmer River fields had petered out, been scoured of golden yields before the nineteenth century was through, the miners gone, with other sites in view." Just one continuous, flowing sentence. Those interested might try to put it back into its original verse form, using the rhymes as a guide. This also fits in with your comment, Vic.

Zondrae

That's great...if an 11 year old is happy to play around with words and verse forms, then who knows where it might lead? And he's very lucky to have you encouraging him!

Maureen

I don't remember Dave's poem but, interestingly, I originally tried to post a version of the epitaph written in a diamond (representing love) shape, but couldn't get the darn thing to hold its shape in preview mode...so I removed it. This sort of thing is a fun exercise, even if it's a bit gimmicky.

Cheers
David

[Terry]

G/day David,
I wont enter the discussion, but will say that's a lovely stanza in it's original form.

Terry

[Bob Pacey]

I really do not think the second example looks like free verse at all. Just another way of saying the same thing.

If it ain't broke why try to fix it ?

Bob