Homework w/e 10.6.13 'Sunshine on Ice'

[jakkimay]

‘Sunshine on Ice’

Sunshine on ice - what a beautiful sight;
sparkling like diamonds beneath the sunlight.
Colours so clear, with their radiant beams -
rainbows of magic. Was this one of my dreams?

Silence, so deep, I was carried away,
watching as sunbeams danced their ballet.
Minutes went by, and completely at ease,
nothing disturbs me – not even a breeze.

Visions of splendour; I look all around;
nothing is moving; there isn’t a sound.
I look to the mountains, covered in snow -
towers of ice. How could anything grow?

Vibrations shake me; I know not the cause,
but how I pray it is nothing with claws.
Standing quite still, and holding my breath,
I prayed that I wasn’t facing my death.

Sounds unfamiliar – a patter of feet?
was something I hadn’t heard on the street.
It sounded like water dripping on ice.
Feeling my heart pounding - trapped in a vice.

Slowly, I turn and I just see a blur -
something that closely resembled white fur –
disappear from my sight, into the blue,
to completely disappear from my view.

Thinking that maybe I should go and see,
when all my senses said I should flee,
I crossed over the bridge and looked below
and, just underwater, there was a show.

A huge polar bear with two cubs at play,
much too busy to be searching for prey.
I stood, just watching, for quite a while;
their charming behaviour making me smile.

Mother bear saw me; she gave me a stare.
A warning heeded. I didn’t despair.
Foolish would be not to take her advice;
I left them to play in sunshine on ice.

© Jakki May
30.5.13

[Maureen K Clifford]

Beary good Jakki

A couple of bumps that would be easy to fix - you have a consistent syllable count of 10 (not the be all and end all I know but as good a place as any to start) in every line - with the exception of V1/L4 - V5/L4 - V7/L2 and V9/L3.

When you read your poem out loud you tend to stagger over the bump on those lines. Fixing them will make it sound much more pleasing but I love the story line and a great use of the prompts.

If I was to be really nit picky I would query the line using the bridge prompt - because reading this poem there is no indication that you were anywhere other than viewing the bears in the wild and that they are polar bears. That being the case where did the bridge come from?. So if perhaps you were thinking along the lines of a theme park you need to indicate that or alternatively if they were for example brown bears in Yosemite NP that does get snow then no doubt there are bridges there that carry traffic over gorges etc. but they might perhaps be our own drop bears in the high country - does their fur get lighter in Winter?? I'm not sure but sure it could be worked around. Anyway that was just my thought - others may disagree or think that unimportant, just food for thought.

Good on you Jakki for jumping in and having a shot at it.

Cheers

Maureen