TRAVELER

[Maureen Clifford]

TRAVELER

I remember a young fella – a fit and healthy bloke
a shearer from the back blocks of Moree
who liked a beer down at the pub – who'd sit and roll a smoke
who thought perhaps he'd join the infantry.

He's back in Moree once again – returned from desert plains,
and searching for the lost ghost of his past.
Doesn't have the return fare, for his journey to nowhere -
who was it said “you know that life's a blast?”

He rides on buses and trains but the noises still remain
in his head – he can hear machine guns roar,
and the shouts and screams of mates – way too hard to contemplate,
for many mates will never see these shores.

He eats dinner for one – he's always eating on the run
for restlessness now won't let him be still.
Sometimes on darkest days he contemplates the many ways
of finishing the job with one more kill.

He seeks deeper shades of meaning - from voices demeaning
that constantly run whisp'ring through his head.
They just continue talking - like the Taliban stalking -
somedays he simply wishes he was dead.

But now he's a traveler – a mindset unraveller
a man who feels he's no choice but to run.
For there's fear within his mind for those mates he's left behind.
It's the legacy left to him by the gun.


Maureen Clifford © 11/10

[Leonie]

Such a sad and all too common story. The ravages of war often last longer than the actual war.

[Zondrae]

Morning Maureen,

This is the workshop section. I believe the original intention (though it has been lost I think) was to use this section when we wish others to make constructive comment on a poem. The idea being we can all read, discuss and learn - Just like a real workshop.

So with the hope that I'm correct in what I say and that it will not offend you, I offer these thoughts.

1, The metre must be out as the count of the beats (or syllables) as I read it, is ever changing
eg: stanza one has 14,10,14,11 in the lines
stanza two has 12,10,13,11
stanza three has 12,10,12,11 I haven't gone any further with this point

2, Is it your intention to have an internal rhyme in the first line (and later, the third too) of each stanza? This is not evident in the first stanza but is creeping in, in stanza two, three, four (but not quite correctly as plural and singular don't rhyme) I haven't gone through the whole poem.

This is a great story line and I feel it is well worth persevering with this poem. It will be a good one if you take time to polish it up.

[Maureen Clifford]

No Zondrae - none of the above just sat down and typed in in about 10 minutes and there it is - Just put one up on the page to get it going.

I will have another look at it Mate and polish - don't worry about checking it - is is probably all over the show like a hairy goat - I will be good and get back to it I promise.

Cheers

Maureen