Homework w/e 15/8/2011

[Zondrae]

I don't have time for this.....


The Keeper of The Beads
 Zondrae King (Corrimal) 08/11

At ‘Yarranan’, where orphans live, there was a secret mill
and ashes of the rebels had been spread across the hill.
The mill was used to grind the bones of those who dared defy
the ‘Order of The Amber Beads’. Or of their rule decry.

The Order ruled the land about for many hundred years
and any hapless dissident who rose to voice their fears
would swiftly meet their maker. Even those who land was cropped.
The keepers of the amber beads would see that they were stopped.

To tell of all the horrors was itself, to them, a crime
and anyone divulging this would also end their time.
The beauty of the amber beads was far beyond compare
and so the rebels spent their time in dungeon’s darkest despair.

Then from the edges of the town there formed a mighty band.
A hero rose to lead them on to liberate our land.
So we, the ones who love the land, could take our place with pride,
destroy the beads, create a place where love and peace abide.

[Zondrae]

Yes, Marty,

Housework, laundry or poetry... no brainer.

[Maureen K Clifford]

OMG Zondrae you did do well - two poems in quick succession - very well done

Liked this rather mythical feeling poem - was visualizing damp dungeons festooned with cobwebs, walls dripping with moisture and dank with slime and rats - horrible big black hungry rats So you must have drawn a good picture.IMO.

Spelling mistake - Lose I point prompt was Yarraman but if you prefer Yarranan that's OK by me

found this had a speed bump

The beauty of the amber beads was far beyond compare
and so the rebels spent their time in dungeon’s darkest despair.

wondered if perhaps it might work better as

The beauty of the amber beads was far beyond compare
and so the rebels spent their time sunk in darkest despair.

or if that was not quite your meaning perhaps

The beauty of the amber beads was far beyond compare
and so the rebels spent their time in dungeon’s dark despair.



Anyway I liked it - thanks Zondrae for meeting the challenge

Cheers

Maureen

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[Terry]

Quite a dark one Zondrae and boy quick of the mark too

The speed bump Maureen mentioned was DARKEST just shorten to DARK problem solved.

Good story - Terry

[Zondrae]

And for the record,

It was a 'Bernard'. That is- write and post without polishing.

I have noticed another small problem.
How can 'the ashes of the rebels' be 'spread across the hill' when they are seen, a few stanzas later, be to 'spend their time in dungeons'? only a little thing but... a fault never the less.

[Bob Pacey]

Oh Zondrae ruins the whole poem !!!!!!!



Cheers Bob

[Maureen K Clifford]

Well I took that as being the ashes of rebels previous to them who had met a bitter end - so I don't think it detracts or is an error

Cheers

Maureen

[Terry]

Hi Zondrae,
I was looking through a poem of mine that had missed out in a recent comp, the first thing I noticed (and in the first stanza) was that I had counted a three syllable word as two, and I had looked that poem over plenty of times as well.

With everybody having a go at this one I thought I'd have a try as well but so far have stalled at the starting post.


Cheers Terry

[Zondrae]

evening all, just before I go to sleep,

I hope I never get to the point that I think I am above taking advice. Thank you everyone who has commented. I know I often wander between tences im my poems so I try to check that when going over them. Another problem I have is presuming everyone knows what I know, or trying to explain too much.. I need to find a happy medium.

Also I thought the orignal idea, for this section of the site, was to offer a poem we wanted advice on. It has become something else.
I'm off

[Maureen K Clifford]

Nil desperandum Terry Carpe diem