Homework we 15/08/11 #2

[Maureen K Clifford]

Lots of good suggestions there Wen - agree that Bobs is a gentle touch

Cheers

Maureen

[Terry]

Bob & Wen, You're going to hate me for this, it's a great line, but the meter is still out.
So how about,

'and whispered dad I love you, come on darling lets go home'

you could use Daddy or whatever.

I'd better slink away and hide now.

Terry

[Heather]

Well written Wen. I enjoyed it.

Heather

[Zondrae]

I'm not here...

but I thought to add a word

... 'Let's both go home'. seems to do it for me.

This is extremely nostalgic for me as my love and I eloped on15th August 1967, and I never did get to 'go home' every again.

[Neville Briggs]

The last line of the poem apears to change from iambic to trochaic feet. That doesn't mean that the metre is "out", only that Wendy has made a trochaic substitution in the last line ( looks like that to me ).

I think it needs to stay as it is, because any other arrangement would lose the impact that Wendy has made with that expression. It might have a slight jarring effect as Bob has said, but I think that suits the moment being depicted.

I try to play the game and conform to the bush poets' preference in formal style , but I think " rules" can be bent to give expression, if required, and if the bending is the result of searching for expression and not evidence of ineptitude.

[Heather]

I think I agree with Neville. The last line changes pace, it slows and is more thoughtful. It suits the poem. I like it.

Heather

[Bob Pacey]

There you go Wen lots of suggestions but as always it's up to you.


Cheers Bob