Final parade

All registered Forum users can post bush poetry dedicated to all those who served
Heather

Re: Final parade

Post by Heather » Tue Mar 22, 2011 12:57 pm

Outstanding Marty. I found it a bit bumpy in places but nonetheless I think it is brilliant. With a bit of punctuation and a slight polish I think you have a stunning poem. Gold star material.

Heather :D

User avatar
Maureen K Clifford
Posts: 8047
Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:31 am
Location: Ipswich - Paul Pisasale country and home of the Ipswich Poetry Feast
Contact:

Re: Final parade

Post by Maureen K Clifford » Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:16 pm

Agree with Heathers take on it Marty... brilliant, although I didn't find the potholes :lol: but did think perhaps this line might be smoother if you just relocated 'once' but consider that to be a speed bump :lol:
men once young who heard the call and rallied to a cause
men young once, who heard the call and rallied to a cause

Cheers

Maureen
Check out The Scribbly Bark Poets blog site here -
http://scribblybarkpoetry.blogspot.com.au/


I may not always succeed in making a difference, but I will go to my grave knowing I at least tried.

Heather

Re: Final parade

Post by Heather » Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:32 pm

That line has 13 syllables whereas the others all appear to have 14 - little pot hole!

I think it is a brilliant poem. One of your best Marty.

Heather :)

manfredvijars

Re: Final parade

Post by manfredvijars » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:21 pm

Sorry Heather, the 'stress' count is seven, that verse is fine ...

Marty, in the third stanza - fourth verse ...
"to ensure that the new blokes are not left to fend alone "

"ensuring that the new blokes ... " or similar perhaps to smooth it out ??

Heather

Re: Final parade

Post by Heather » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:33 pm

Oops, my mistake. Back to beginners' classes! :oops:

manfredvijars

Re: Final parade

Post by manfredvijars » Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:16 pm

NO! ... Advance 2 steps forward for trying to help out ... :)

User avatar
Bob Pacey
Moderator
Posts: 7479
Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 9:18 am
Location: Yeppoon

Re: Final parade

Post by Bob Pacey » Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:47 pm

Pot holes better report them to the council. do not fix them yourself or you might find yourself in court.

Marty Liked it very much both the way you convey your message and the way the poem flows.

A good read Bob
The purpose in life is to have fun.
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!

Trace

Re: Final parade

Post by Trace » Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:34 pm

Brilliant Marty!

User avatar
Dave Smith
Posts: 1726
Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:12 pm
Location: Collie W A

Re: Final parade

Post by Dave Smith » Tue Mar 22, 2011 8:20 pm

I like it Marty I am used to negotiating a few bumps so no worrys to me.

TTFN 8-)
I Keep Trying

Post Reply