DAMP AND DIRTY

[Cropduster]

Damp and Dirty

Jack and Dottie, they went camping, by the shores of Wallis Lake
They were hoping that the weather would be hot.
But it seemed the 'Weather Man' this time had make a big mistake -
A summer holiday, well... this was clearly not.

When you're camping, and it rains and rains for days and days on end,
things start to get a little on the nose.
When you're wearing damp and dirties, you are going to offend.
Don't think you'll come out smelling like a rose.

It had been raining solid for about two weeks or more.
Some other campers packed and did the flit.
The water soaked its way up through the hessian makeshift floor
which peed off Jack and Dotty quite a bit.

The sun made an appearance on a day in early Feb.
A couple of the clouds had parted ways.
Jack rushed to find his sunnies, sprawled out on the blow up bed
'cause he hadn't seen the bloody sun in days.

Dot was hanging washing on the tent rope at the side,
good drying days were few and far between.
The tent was full of piles of clothes that never really dried.
They were wearing clothes that still at least looked 'clean'.

The campsite had dried out a bit since they employed the pumps
The skies of Wallis Lakes were getting clearer
Dot was getting over feeling like she was way down in the dumps
That's until she took a look into the mirror.

You see, her upper lip had swollen up, ballooned out past her nose.
She looked just like a big pink arsed baboon.
She got into her knickers and her cleanest dirty clothes
and Jack drove her to the doctors none too soon.

Well, they sat there in the waiting room, trying to avoid a scene.
Dot covered up her lip behind her hand.
But folk could hardly help but stare, 'cause they had never seen
a lip that's twice the size of Arnhem land.

And 'What on Earth's that smell?' a man was overheard to say
as he looked about the room with sheer contempt.
Till he saw a blind man with his dog, and he quickly looked away
Farting guide dogs were excused - their farts exempt.

Dottie turned towards her Jack, and whispered in his ear,
'I think it might be us that's on the nose'.
Jack replied 'That can't be helped, and we're already here
so let's blame it on the dog before he goes.

Luckily, the waiting room was clearing pretty fast.
Just the guide dog and the blind man still were there.
When they went in, Jack and Dot were clearly being left till last,
and still the odour lingered in the air.

The doc, he came out, grabbed a chart, and told them to come in.
He hadn't spotted Dotty at this stage.
He kept on looking at his chart, rubbed his hand across his chin,
then looked up as he slowly flipped the page

'What seems to be the...HOLY CRAP! What happened to your face!'
He reeled and took a couple of steps back.
'Has that thing stopped expanding or do I need to give it space'
As doctor's go, this one was quite the 'quack'.

The doctor pinched his nostrils, trying to avoid the smell.
He held his breath and tried to take a look
to see what might be causing Dottie's upper lip to swell,
He kept looking up the symptoms in a book.

'I've not seen nothing like it, tell me, does it hurt at all?
I'll poke it - tell me if it starts to sting?'
But Dot was thinking quickly, grabbed the doctor by the balls,
'Tell me if your voice gets higher when you sing'

'Uhh..Let's try something different'. The doc quickly backed away
fearing that she may just crush his nuts.
I'll book you into hospital, you'll need to go today
for them to take a look, no ifs nor buts

So Jack and Dot jumped in their car and went to Nabiac
to check Dot in so that she would be seen.
The cleaner met them at the door, said the nurse was out the back,
and the doctor won't be in till three fifteen.

The nurse came in after her smoke, she reeked of cigarettes
and coughed like she was knockin' on death's door
'Come on love' she said to Dot 'Let's see if there's a bed,
'Now we don't want you sleepin' on the floor'

'Sleeping?' Jack was quick to act, 'We're only here to see
if the doc can look and see if there's a cure
'Whatever!' said the nurse, still coughing as she led the way
'The doctor won't be in till around four.'

She took poor Dot along the ward, and plonked her on a bed
and tossed her a green gown, complete with ties
'Now get your dirty knickers off, and put this on instead,
Your clothes are starting to attract the flies'

The nurse took Dottie's clothes, held out, suspended on a stick
The other patients sneered and turned away
'Good thing they are in hospital, this could really make them sick,
Let me go and get the disinfectant spray'

'Its been raining, we've been camping' Dottie tried to plead her case
But her protestations fell upon deaf ears
'We've seen your type', the nurse said,' with your nose stuck in the air
But we've not smelt ones like you for several years.'

The doc turned up at ten past four, and immediately could tell
That something in the ward was quite amiss
He walked along the corridor, he was guided by the smell
'An out-house doesn't smell as bad as this'

I can see your lip is swollen, but there's clearly something wrong
with your hygiene, cause you really smell like crap.
I can fix the swollen lip, but about that bloody pong
Only Dettol and a scrub will see to that.

Now Jack and Dottie don't go camping, they just book hotels instead
With a dryer, or at least a laundry mat.
Cause if they need a doctor, they would rather be found dead
Than smelling like it, and that dear folks, is that.

Copyright (c) Allan Cropper November 2015