Have You Ever

[Zondrae]

Thanks for the kind words Irene.

You are very right about getting our 'babies' out there, to be enjoyed. A couple of my poems which I recite often, would never make it in a competition, but people love them. I refer in particlar to 'Stolen Years'. Each time I recite it I sell books and they always ask if it is in the book before the buy. I have begun looking back for material for my 'Elbow Poems'.

Sorry to pinch your thread for a minute Sue,

I have had a read through your poem again and this came to mind;
to keep continuity with the syllable count;

Have you ever seen a rainbow curve (9) (or you could even use 'carve')
its colours 'cross the sky (6)

[Maureen K Clifford]

Hi Sue

I agree with Zondrae's comments and also found 'drove' just a tad off putting despite it's apparent correctness - but it is a great poem which I enjoyed reading very much...and as for writing from the heart and making your poems personal - so do I - don't really understand why that should be considered a problem either I have to say as we all write from personal experience on occasions.

Keep on keeping on Mate - your are doing good work IMO

Cheers

Maureen

[william williams]

Hi sue Bill here That word DROVE as a Audio piece to me is correct because you are talking past tense and as such reading it out aloud it give you a picture in your mind so to me and my listeners thats all that matters UNLESS YOU ARE ENTERING A COMPETITION and there, there are many many pit falls

Bill the OLD B

[mummsie]

Thanks so much for all your suggestions, I have made a few changes that in my opinion make the poem much smoother,
Cheers Sue

[David Campbell]

Hi Sue

You're getting your Campbells confused! I didn't say anything about writing personal poetry in my judging tips, but Ellis Campbell did in one of the sub-sections of his advice on writing bush poetry. Just to complicate matters, there are two Campbells, but we're not related. Ellis lives in Dubbo and I'm down in Melbourne.

Marty's interpretation of what Ellis wrote is quite correct...he's really just sounding a warning about getting caught up with an idea that won't translate easily to a wider audience. Ellis gives the example of writing a poem for the people at the bowling club...with lots of local references they'd probably think it hilarious, and tell you that you're great. But it means little outside that environment. As a judge, I see quite a few competition poems in this category because it's an easy trap to fall into. Best advice I can give is to try a poem out with one or two people who will look at it objectively and tell you if it's too 'local'.

And welcome to the website! There's lots of excellent advice here, so I won't add to it. Keep writing and learning!

Cheers
David

[mummsie]

My apologies David, it most certainly was Ellis campbell, thank you for pointing that out to me.
Cheers
Sue

[Zondrae]

My mentor also said,

Don't get too personal in your poems. Other people are not interested in your operation. But there are exceptions.
For example. I could see the funny side when they forgot to give me the sedation before my angeogram. As I wanted to try the 'Sentimental Bloke' style of CJ Dennis, Icombined the two. Hence "Strike Me Pink".

[Peely]

G'day Sue

I would agree with Zondrae that the usages of the words drove and shook are incorrect. The word 'have' modifies the sentence to require the use of the past participle forms of these words rather than the past tense. The correct words in these cases are 'driven' and 'shaken'. Unfortunately, direct substitution of these will throw the metre out, so the lines that contain these words will need to be modified. There were a couple of statements in there that I thought could have been better connected to the story as well. Please see the commented version below:


Have You Ever
© Sue Pearce

Have you ever walked along the beach,
with a loved one holding hands, (might be a good idea to drop an unstressed syllable here at the start of the line, also, 'hands' is a plural, so is not a perfect rhyme with sand)
and felt the sea breeze on your face,
left footprints in the sand.
Have you ever sat beside a stream,
where gentle waters flow,
and let your thoughts just drift away,
like ripples moving slow. (slow is one of the few adjectives that is allowable to be used as its adverb as well, but in the most correct forms of English, technically, this should be ‘slowly’. For this reason, it may grate with some people or poetry competition judges)

Have you ever shook a strangers hand, (in this context, ‘shook’ should be ‘shaken’, since ‘have’ makes this a past participle)
or offered them a smile,
or told a true friend how you feel,
for them you'd walk a mile. (statement doesn’t connect with the ‘have you’ as well as it could)
Have you ever drove through valleys, (in this context, ‘drove’ should be ‘driven’, since ‘have’ makes this a past participle)
where the trees in autumn glow,
and marvelled at their golden hues,
such splendour, now on show.

Have you ever smelt the summer rain,
it's perfume fills your head, (‘it’s’ should be ‘its’, statement doesn't connect with the ‘have you’ as well as it could)
or heard it pound upon the roof,
while snuggled in your bed.
Have you ever held a baby,
soft and warm against your breast,
sang lullaby's, and soothed his cries,
then laid him down to rest.

Have you ever walked beneath the stars,
when a full moon lights the night,
and felt the splendour of its glow,
it's magic shining bright.
Have you ever seen a rainbow,
colours curving cross the sky,
its wonder and its beauty,
rains reflections way up high.

Have you ever found that special one,
to walk life's winding road,
and stand by you, through golden years,
and share life's heavy load.
Have you ever questioned
how, or when, or why things came to be,
then take a look around you,
for the best in life is free.

See the version below for a few ideas as to how you can get around some of these problems (I have also changed the punctuation a little too, if anything, you might have had a little too much):

Have You Ever
© Sue Pearce

Have you ever walked along the beach,
your lover hand in hand
and felt the sea breeze on your face,
left footprints in the sand.
Have you ever sat beside a stream
where gentle waters flow,
and let your thoughts just drift away
like ripples moving slow.

Have you ever shaken strangers’ hands
or offered them a smile,
or told a true friend how you feel
before you'd walked that mile.
Have you ever driven valley roads
where trees in autumn glow
and marvelled at their golden hues,
such splendour, now on show.

Have you ever smelt the summer rain’s
sweet scent that fills your head
or heard it pound upon the roof
while snuggled in your bed.
Have you ever held a baby,
soft and warm, against your breast,
sang lullaby's and soothed his cries
then laid him down to rest.

Have you ever walked beneath the moon
upon a starry night
and felt the splendour of its glow,
its magic shining bright.
Have you ever seen a rainbow’s
colours curve across the sky,
their wonder and their beauty –
rains reflections way up high.

Have you ever found that special one
to walk life's winding road
and stand by you, through golden years
and share life's heavy load.
Have you ever questioned
how, or when, or why things came to be -
then take a look around you
for the best in life is free.

I hope that this is a help Sue.

Regards


John Peel

[Maureen K Clifford]

Works for me Peely - sure Sue will appreciate you help - definitely knocked those rough bumps off. You are a good man.

Cheers

Maureen

[mummsie]

Yes John, looking better.Many thanks
Sue