Have You Ever

[Peely]

G'day Sue

I would agree with Zondrae that the usages of the words drove and shook are incorrect. The word 'have' modifies the sentence to require the use of the past participle forms of these words rather than the past tense. The correct words in these cases are 'driven' and 'shaken'. Unfortunately, direct substitution of these will throw the metre out, so the lines that contain these words will need to be modified. There were a couple of statements in there that I thought could have been better connected to the story as well. Please see the commented version below:


Have You Ever
© Sue Pearce

Have you ever walked along the beach,
with a loved one holding hands, (might be a good idea to drop an unstressed syllable here at the start of the line, also, 'hands' is a plural, so is not a perfect rhyme with sand)
and felt the sea breeze on your face,
left footprints in the sand.
Have you ever sat beside a stream,
where gentle waters flow,
and let your thoughts just drift away,
like ripples moving slow. (slow is one of the few adjectives that is allowable to be used as its adverb as well, but in the most correct forms of English, technically, this should be ‘slowly’. For this reason, it may grate with some people or poetry competition judges)

Have you ever shook a strangers hand, (in this context, ‘shook’ should be ‘shaken’, since ‘have’ makes this a past participle)
or offered them a smile,
or told a true friend how you feel,
for them you'd walk a mile. (statement doesn’t connect with the ‘have you’ as well as it could)
Have you ever drove through valleys, (in this context, ‘drove’ should be ‘driven’, since ‘have’ makes this a past participle)
where the trees in autumn glow,
and marvelled at their golden hues,
such splendour, now on show.

Have you ever smelt the summer rain,
it's perfume fills your head, (‘it’s’ should be ‘its’, statement doesn't connect with the ‘have you’ as well as it could)
or heard it pound upon the roof,
while snuggled in your bed.
Have you ever held a baby,
soft and warm against your breast,
sang lullaby's, and soothed his cries,
then laid him down to rest.

Have you ever walked beneath the stars,
when a full moon lights the night,
and felt the splendour of its glow,
it's magic shining bright.
Have you ever seen a rainbow,
colours curving cross the sky,
its wonder and its beauty,
rains reflections way up high.

Have you ever found that special one,
to walk life's winding road,
and stand by you, through golden years,
and share life's heavy load.
Have you ever questioned
how, or when, or why things came to be,
then take a look around you,
for the best in life is free.

See the version below for a few ideas as to how you can get around some of these problems (I have also changed the punctuation a little too, if anything, you might have had a little too much):

Have You Ever
© Sue Pearce

Have you ever walked along the beach,
your lover hand in hand
and felt the sea breeze on your face,
left footprints in the sand.
Have you ever sat beside a stream
where gentle waters flow,
and let your thoughts just drift away
like ripples moving slow.

Have you ever shaken strangers’ hands
or offered them a smile,
or told a true friend how you feel
before you'd walked that mile.
Have you ever driven valley roads
where trees in autumn glow
and marvelled at their golden hues,
such splendour, now on show.

Have you ever smelt the summer rain’s
sweet scent that fills your head
or heard it pound upon the roof
while snuggled in your bed.
Have you ever held a baby,
soft and warm, against your breast,
sang lullaby's and soothed his cries
then laid him down to rest.

Have you ever walked beneath the moon
upon a starry night
and felt the splendour of its glow,
its magic shining bright.
Have you ever seen a rainbow’s
colours curve across the sky,
their wonder and their beauty –
rains reflections way up high.

Have you ever found that special one
to walk life's winding road
and stand by you, through golden years
and share life's heavy load.
Have you ever questioned
how, or when, or why things came to be -
then take a look around you
for the best in life is free.

I hope that this is a help Sue.

Regards


John Peel

[Maureen K Clifford]

Works for me Peely - sure Sue will appreciate you help - definitely knocked those rough bumps off. You are a good man.

Cheers

Maureen

[mummsie]

Yes John, looking better.Many thanks
Sue

[Peely]

I'm happy to have been of assistance Sue

Regards


John Peel

[Zondrae]

G'day Sue, and everyone

I have found John a very reliable sounding post. However, you are under no obligation to adopt his suggestions, or anyone elses for that matter. You may find that his suggestion sparks another word, or phrase that works, and is all your own.
Then again we all have our favourite word or group of words that we don't want to change. On occasion I feel that an outside 'substitute' word changes the whole feel of the piece and refuse to change what is written. Whether this is my downfall or not, who knows. I have heard someone say that we poets fall in love with our words. I understand this and often have big touble because I still not change one word or a small group of words. I am getting less pedantic about this type of thing.