Have You Ever

[mummsie]

Feeling good about life, so wrote this one. Open to suggestions for improvement.
Have You Ever
Have you ever walked along the beach,
and held a loved one's hand,
and felt the seabreeze on your face,
left footprints in the sand.
Have you ever sat beside a stream,
where gentle waters flow,
and let your thoughts just drift away,
like ripples moving slow.

Have you ever shook a strangers hand,
or offered them a smile,
or told a true friend how you feel,
for them you'd walk a mile.
Have you ever drove through valleys, where
the trees in autumn glow,
and marveled at their golden hues,
such splendor, now on show.

Have you ever smelt the summer rain,
'its' perfume fills your head,
or heard it pound upon the roof,
while snuggled in your bed.
Have you ever held a baby, soft
and warm against your breast,
sang lullaby's, and soothed his cries,
then laid him down to rest.

Have you ever walked beneath the stars,
when Full Moon lights the night,
and felt the splendor of its glow,
it's magic shining bright.
Have you ever seen a rainbow,
colors curving cross the sky,
its wonder and its beauty,
rains reflections way up high.

Have you ever found that special one,
to walk life's winding road,
and stand by you, through golden years,
and share life's heavy load.
Have you ever questioned how,or when,
or why things came to be,
then take a look around you,
for the best in life is free.
Sue Pearce©

[Neville Briggs]

Looks good Sue. Only comment I make is maybe it would be clearer to read if it was divided into 5 stanzas of eight lines each. That gives the reader a brief pause to reflect on what has been said before going on to the next thought.

[mummsie]

Thanks Marty, Neville I wondered about that, first time I'v set a poem out this way, thanks for the input.
Sue

[Heather]

Simply beautiful Sue. I really enjoyed it. I'd agree with Neville, break it up into stanzas so it can be read slower and absorbed.

Heather

[mummsie]

I agree, have done, now that looks better.
Thanks for the tip, Sue

[Bob Pacey]

Here Here ! I agree

Paints the picture beautifully Sue.

Do you get many of the victorians up for the winter ?


Bob

[mummsie]

We get people from all states here, Tumut is the gateway to the snowfields, so very much a tourist town, our Festival of the Falling Leaf was held at the weekend, so the town had a big influx of tourists, the caravan park where I work was booked out, met some great people, its the part of my job I love. Has anyone else noticed what a spectacular autumn it is this year.
Sue

[Zondrae]

G'day Sue,

As you have asked for comment I will give some. I hesitate to do this much lately as feel I am in an odd kind of limbo. I don't feel like an outright learner anymore but I know I still have a long way to go along the path of learning how to write well.

I really like the images you have catured, and you have done this very well. The glimpses of pleasent moments in an ordinary day are delightful and relaxing.
For some reason (John Peel will be able to explain) the actual English doesn't seem right to me. It may be me, as I often mix tenses in my own poems, but I feel it should be 'Did you ever shake a strangers hand' and 'Did you ever drive through valleys'. The only other spot that didn't seem to flow was the second line - 'with a' are both unstressed syllables and this is not consistent with the rest of the poem. You have done the same little 'skip' in a couple of other places too.

Other than these tiny glitches I think you have a winner on your hands. I am sure you have been told before, but I would like to stress - No one can tell you how you should write your poetry. The reason there are any rules at all is to allow competition. If you are writing for yourself (or because you can't not write) and not for competition then there is no right or wrong way. The advice you will receive on this site is related to Australian Rhyme and Metre verse. There are many more forms of poetry but this, generally, is our chosen style. I am trying to write as correctly as I can (in spite of my horrible spelling that I have to keep checking on) because I would like to think that some of my work will live on after I am gone.

My reason for not making a suggestion to replace the 'little skips' is because I can't think of any easy ones at the moment. Oh, and also, a pleural and a singular cannot rhyme as in 'sand' and 'hands'. I think we will be seeing a lot of you in the near future. Capture those words, don't let them get away - that is what is important.

[mummsie]

Zondrae, thank you for going to such lengths to comment on my poem. When I first joined this site and heard the terms metre, rhyme and reason etc, I thought, what the bloody hell are they talking about, so I have revisited David Campbells page over and over, trying to understand, I am determined to get it, I write poems for personal satisfaction, there are days like today when I just get the urge to write something and this poem is the result of that, I can't explain the feeling.I also read in Davids tips not to make your poetry personal, that too I find hard as I write from the heart, which is usually the result of personal experiences, does anyone else have that problem.The skips you refer to I had felt when reading the poem back, but i too was stumped as to what to replace them with, guess I was hoping someone might come up with a suggestion.
Sue

[Irene]

Sue, that is wonderful piece of writing that flows beautifully. I love it.

Like Zondrae, the only two skips that I have picked up are in the second lines of stanza one and stanza four
v = unstressed; / = stressed
with a loved one holding hands, vv/v/v/ or /v/v/v/ - other lines (except the ones with 'Have you' ) are v/v/v/ eg. 'or offered them a smile',
when a full moon lights the night, vv/v/v/ or /v/v/v/ - other lines (except the ones with 'Have you' ) are v/v/v/
However, for myself, I find that it still flows well, because you have consistently got the same thing in the lines that start with 'Have you' eg 'Have you ever walked along the beach' - vv/v/v/v/ - and that is part of the overall structure that you have chosen. It would only be in a competition that you may possible be penalised for the two small skips, but personally, I wouldn't worry too much about them if this a poem that expresses what you want it to - it is beautiful the way it is.

There does appears to be a couple of other skips, but in fact, if you removed that first word from the beginning of the line and put it on the end of the previous line, it would correct the structure of both lines - 4 stressed in one line followed by 3 stressed in the next.

ie

Stanza 2 Line 6

Have you ever shook a strangers hand,
or offered them a smile,
or told a true friend how you feel,
for them you'd walk a mile.
Have you ever drove through valleys,
where the trees in autumn glow,
and marveled at their golden hues,
such splendor, now on show.

could be written as
Have you ever shook a strangers hand,
or offered them a smile,
or told a true friend how you feel,
for them you'd walk a mile.
Have you ever drove through valleys, where
the trees in autumn glow
and marveled at their golden hues,
such splendor, now on show.

The same has happened in stanzas 3, 4 & 5 - but it only in the setting out, not the rhythm of the poem.

Have you ever smelt the summer rain,
it's perfume fills your head,
or heard it pound upon the roof,
while snuggled in your bed.
Have you ever held a baby, soft
and warm against your breast,
sang lullaby's, and soothed his cries,
then laid him down to rest.

Have you ever walked beneath the stars,
when a full moon lights the night,
and felt the splendor of its glow,
it's magic shining bright.
Have you ever seen a rainbow,
colors curving cross the sky, (You couldn't change this one because the 2 stresses are in one word)
its wonder and its beauty, rains
reflections way up high.

Have you ever found that special one,
to walk life's winding road,
and stand by you, through golden years,
and share life's heavy load.
Have you ever questioned how, or when,
or why things came to be,
then take a look around you, for
the best in life is free.

I just went to post this, and found you had posted a reply in the meantime Sue, and you asked for suggestions to replace the skips.

Perhaps:
Have you ever walked along a beach vv/v/v/v/
held by a loved one's hand. v/v/v/
It would replace the plural 'hands' to rhyme better with 'sand'

Have you ever walked beneath the stars,
when Full Moon lights the night,
I think you could just drop the 'a' and perhaps capitalize the Full Moon to use it as a name

Personally, I like the 'Have you' rather than 'Did you' - just sounds a little more poetic - but that is a personal thing.

As Zondrae says, it is your poem, and only you know what you are trying to say, so do not feel obliged to take all our suggestions on board - they are only suggestions, for you to use or discard.

Yes, I know what you mean when you say you write from the heart. I find it very difficult to write at will - I write most of my poems because they just 'come to me' and beg to be written!! When I first write a poem, I may make a couple of minor changes, but other than that I rarely change anything in them, as they reflect exactly what I am trying to say. It may not be good practice to do that, but it works for me!! You will find everyone works differently, and, as Zondrae so rightly says, there is no right or wrong - unless you are writing for a competition!!

Look forward to reading more of your beautiful poems!

Catchya
IRene

Zondrae - no one would ever class you as anything other than a successful poet!! You have achieved so much with your poetry and your name is recognized throughout Australia, so don't ever be reluctant to offer your advice!!!
I don't even believe you need to be a 'successful' poet to offer advice, as usually we are trying to get our poetry out to people who do not write poetry, and they are not worried about the technicalities, just about what works or doesn't work for them.
And besides, even the most successful poets can still make mistakes, and/or learn from others suggestions at times.
Stand proud Zondrae - for you are certainly 'up there' with the best!!