BASIC GUIDE (to arguing with a woman)
© Brenda Joy

Winner, 2016 Oracles of the Bush, Humorous Section, Tenterfield, NSW.

I wouldn’t say that blokes are slow
but certain things they just don’t know.
For instance they don’t understand
the hidden language of each land.
Now ‘Women Talk’, that’s what I mean –
a code for arguing that’s been
a mystery to blokes world-wide.
So fellas!  Here’s your basic guide.
First word is ‘Fine!’ It means, “I win.
You’re wrong, I’m right, so just give in.”

If you continue arguing
and ask “What’s wrong?” this well could bring
the answer “Nothing!”.  Blokes, take care.
This word means something.  So – beware!
This is the calm before the storm
and following the basic norm
a “Nothing” fight will end, no doubt
in “Fine” – and that means, YOU MISS OUT.
If she should give a long loud sigh,
she’s hopping mad.  You don’t know why?

Perhaps she’s asked you more than once
to do a chore.  Don’t be a dunce.
She means ‘RIGHT NOW’ so should she add,
Don’t worry, I can do it!” – Bad!
She’ll do it, BUT she won’t be pleased
and woman’s wrath can’t be appeased.
So blokes don’t do a foolish thing
like questioning ’cos this will bring
you back to “Nothing!” see above,
once more that means, NO LOVEY DOVE.

Now, let us look at “Go ahead!
If you should do this, mate, you’re dead.
It’s not permission, it’s a threat.
You’ll be forever in her debt.
And if she shrugs with “That’s Okay!
she’s working out just how you’ll pay.
Then should she say, “Whatever!” mate –
your death would be a better fate,
Whatever” means the bedroom door
could well be closed for ever more.

It’s not all hard.  Perhaps one day
she will say, “Thanks” but do not say
You’re welcome” if she adds, “…a lot
’cos “Thanks a lot” means, “You’re a clot.”
If she goes silent there’s no chance
she’s thinking of a nice romance.
Don’t ask, “What’s up?”  That’s salt in wound.
She will say, “Nothing!”  Were you tuned?
If so, wind back to “Fine” and OUCH!
That’s why, you’re sleeping on the couch.


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