© Brenda Joy
Winner, 2015 Coo-ee Festival Humorous Section, Gilgandra NSW.
I’ll tell you a story about an event
that happened last summer and caused my ascent.
I’d grown quite bored with the daily routine
of having my udders pumped out by machine.
My Mum often told me about an old bull
she claimed was my Daddy. Her eyes would grow full
of tears at the memory – those were the days
when cows became pregnant in natural ways.
But sadly he died of exertion (through love)
and heifers now-days get a push and a shove.
It isn’t romantic to calve from a tube –
it’s like a car service with no grease and lube.
Now I’d seen hoofed mammals all covered with wool
but never before had I seen a live bull.
I couldn’t believe it when outside one day,
a whole herd of cattle came passing my way.
And there in all grandeur was Bos Indicus* –
the sound of his bellow was mellifluous.
I lost all control for my need was intense.
With one mighty lunge I leapt over that fence.
He strode the ‘long paddock’ equipped and entire –
a tropical stud. I just had to admire
his pendulous dewlap, his massive great hump.
He told me of places beyond the Black Stump.
Our ill-fated court-ship soon ran out of luck.
The whole Brahman herd was piled in to a truck
and sent off to market as premium beef!
Thank goodness my dots saved me coming to grief.
My cattle drive days were exciting, but hard
I scuttled on back to the dairy cow yard
and no-one else knows of my wild, roadside ways,
but I’m an enigma – I’m famous these days...
…‘Cos I’ve borne a calf that’s resistant to drought
with a hump on her back and they can’t work it out.
My farmer’s convinced he’s created a breed
of climate-change milkers to answer their need.
But there’s no protuberance in his syringe
(and I won’t let on of my long-weekend binge).
Unless he discovers how I had the hots,
us New South Wales Holsteins will not change our spots.
I may tell my daughter the secret one day
of her handsome daddy who led me astray
but meantime whilst Farmer Han’s coffers grow full.
I’m watching the road for the next Brahman bull.
* Drought resistant breed of cattle originating on the Indian
sub-continent, known as ‘Brahman’.